Monday, December 19, 2005

Women Go Crazy for a Sharp Dressed Man

Yes, ZZTop said, er, sang it best; women DO go crazy for a sharp dressed man especially when he is 2 years old and batting his super enormously long eyelashes at them while wearing his styling duds. Aren is a charmer; he has been since day one. He won't talk to men until he feels it is safe but, put him in the company of a pretty young lady (especially blondes. Yes, he all ready seems to have a preference.) and he comes to life. He bats his lashes, he coos, he grins and he tells them all about his drum or love of drumming. Mothers lock up your daughters and, just to be on the safe side, stay indoors yourself! I have created a monster-a handsome, handsome monster.

Look upon this picture only if you dare...

Or, how about this one? He's adding just a touch of flaire in this photo...

Saturday, December 17, 2005

New Tradition

Today, we began a new tradition for Christmas. The three kids and I (Cherish, Hallie and Aren) went to the store and they each bought a book that they would enjoy reading to give to the children's ward at our hospital. Rush wrapped them with the help of the giver and we will be taking them to the hospital probably tomorrow or perhaps later this afternoon. We will see how we all manage our time this afternoon. They are very, very excited to do this and are so pleased that they were able to do this.

I thought of this the other day when I was fuming over having to work on Christmas Day and then thought about all the kids who will have to be "Stuck" in the hospital this day and all through the year. I then thought what is Christmas supposed to be? Is it supposed to be about us spending all our money to buy more stuff from StuffMart for our kids or should we be instilling values into our kids as to what Christmas really is? Should we not give of ourselves to show others love? The kids embraced this idea with so much vigor and enthusiasm that I wish I would have thought of it years before.

So, here is to the beginning of a tradition and to the start of more selfless things our family can do during the Christmas season and all through the year to help people and to just bless them, if even in just a small way.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A star, a star...

Every year Rush's school sends home a cardboard star for us to cut out and decorate to hang from the school's hallway ceilings. You can decorate it with whatever you want, however you want; it just needs to be a family star and have your last name on it...

This year we had 2 of them making one so I didn't really know how we would go about it.
Ah ha... Each kid got their own side to do. The finished product this year...

Hallie's side...

Rush's side...

Aren is always thrilled when we go to get Hallie and he sees their star hanging from the ceiling. They did a good job but I will tell you those confetti lights did NOT want to stay on there. We had to use a lot of glue as you can tell to get them to stay on. I wonder what we will do next year...

Run, run as fast as you can! You can't get me; I'm the ginger....ah never mind

Last year, we started a family activity of decorating a gingerbread house. Last year, Jenn and I assembled this house; last year, Jenn and I had technical difficulties and put the chimney on upside down and other small set backs...walls not wanting to stay together blah blah blah. This year Jenn and I carried on the tradition of having gingerbread technical difficulties. We did put the chimney on properly but it kept sliding on us and we eventually got it to stay. The icing didn't want to stay in the bag and kept popping out the top and getting me extremely sticky and irritated but I kept having fun. So we decorated it. It looks better than last years and it didn't take too long this year before Aren began to dig into the decorations and wreck the beautiful walk way that Cherish and I made. It is so much fun but I am glad I only have this to do once a year....

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Always makes me smile...







this or ...

My Turn

It is my turn to feel like the failure of the month. I have been feeling guilty lately and it has been getting worse and worse. I feel like I am not there for my kids; I feel like I am not being a "mom". Obviously, I am a mom but I feel like I am not BEING a mom. I am always working, the odd night I get off it seems there are plans that do not include the kids and off I go galavanting when I should be at home with my children. I honestly can't tell you the last time Hallie and Aren were bathed. I am not here to do it and it just doesn't seem to get done. When my son wants something he goes to his sister, not to me. Why? I am never here and that is who he has to go to as a mother figure. How big of a failure is that?!?

I tried talking to my husband about how I am feeling and he dismissed my feelings right away without much consideration to why I was feeling this way. I told him I needed a day job so I could be home with the kids when they are here to need me (this way band concerts will not be overlooked, baths will not be overlooked, homework notes will not be thrown out without a second glance...). His response, "Then I guess I may as well fall off the face of the Earth because I am never there either." I don't know why his response to conversations of this or similar nature all wind up with him needing to fall off the face of the earth or dying or what have you. Perhaps I just need a little support not him turning it into a "I don't deserve to live" party and I am called over-sensitive...

After his comment, I simply hung up on him. I didn't know what to say; I could not react in any type of manner to him other than just hanging up the phone. I know that wasn't the best thing to do but my brain could not come up with an appropriate response.

So here I sit with tears streaming down my face, wondering why in the heck I am typing this on here for the world to see (and I know my husband will be irrate with me if he ever reads this and sees this post but I need an outlet) and wondering can be done to change this and wondering how I pray about this properly. I need a day job so I can be with my kids that is all I know at this point. Other than that I am at my wit's end, the rope just doesn't go any farther...


I grew up on a farm surrounded by trees and every year we went out into the pasture as a family (and by that I mean mom, dad, kids, horses, cats and dog...the animals just followed us, they were, after all, part of the family) and picked our Christmas tree. The tree then sat in our tub to thaw and was decorated on Christmas Eve. I remember us putting those construction paper garlands on our tree. We also had an inflatable Santa that Mom always put up just under the tree that always fell over. We put our stockings, which were Dad's wool socks on the end of our bed and were sent to bed. I don't know about my brother but I am pretty sure it was the same for him, my sister and I would lay in bed wide awake with anticipation about what was going to be in our sock bound and determined we were going to stay awake so we could look as soon as Mom and Dad placed them back on our beds full. I don't think that ever happened.

I remember, as a little girl, being excited about Santa and what cookies he would choose to eat off the plate we left for him (I don't celebrate Santa Claus now but it is still a fond memory I have). It was hard not to believe as a child because we had a strange occurance at our house every year. Every Christmas morning we had to have breakfast, do chores and go get Grandma and Grandpa from up the hill before we could open our presents and every year when we went to the barn there were strange tracks on the barn roof that weren't there (or that noticable) when we went to bed. We were told it was reindeer tracks, hard to argue that.

The tree was down on New Years Day and that is still a tradition we have here but I am trying to find some traditions I can do with my kids...that do not involve Santa. We have certain foods that we eat every Christmas Eve and New Years Eve, we watch the Touched By an Angel Christmas Epidsode with Randy Travis in it every year but I would really like some other traditions. Anybody have any ideas for me...?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

And Here is My 7

Seven things to do before I die:

1. go to Norway, Ireland and so many more but those are the 2 biggies
2. become a nurse
3. get back into shape
4. learn to knit
5. get out of debt
6. see my children become successful people (and I don't mean socially successful...I mean well-rounded successful)
7. finsih my family tree book

Seven things to do before I die (when I was a not-so-idealsitic teenager):

1. marry any member of Motley Crue (except Mick Mars), Jon Bon Jovi, Axl Rose, Slash, any member of Poison or Steve Tyler (I know, I know...don't judge me)
2. own a Harley
3. get a tattoo (or several)
4. be adopted by Alice Cooper and/or Ozzy Osborne (man am I ever glad that had no hope of ever coming true)
5. go to Norway
6. join a bike gang
7. become famous for my dark poetry

Seven things I cannot do:

1. swim
2. remember most of the French I learned
3. remember to water my plants
4. enjoy coffee
5. sit through any type of performance without crying because I am so proud of the work everyone did to pull it kids' dance recitals, Christmas concerts, Kids' Christmas programs oh, and let's not forget Broadway North Musicals...)
6. drive behind someone going slightly less than the speed limit
7. sit through most movies without crying for one reason or another

Seven things that attract me to my spouse:

1. his attempt to be the tough, macho guy which we all can see through so clearly
2. the way he looks in a blue dress shirt
3. the way he reminds me when I am not behaving the way I "should"
4. the way he gets up with our son in the middle of the night
5. the way he tries to not let me catch him crying during a movie
6. the way he strokes my face when I am upset and makes me feel safe
7. his biceps

Seven things I say most often:

1. Would you like cheesetoast or twist bread instead of garlic toast?
2. For sure
3. I'll be right there.
4. Aren, I am not telling you again...(leave that cat alone)
5. Thumb in the thumbhole, fingers all together. This is the song we sing in mitten weather...(but only in the winter which is 9 months of the year)
6. Go ask your father
7. So, anyways...(this one was Dixie's but I think I say this a lot too)

Seven books I love:

1. God's Leading Lady
2. any true crime story
3. Lord of the Flies
4. Simple Faith
5. The Chrysalids
6. Romeo and Juliet or MacBeth
7. The Monster at the End of This Book

Seven movies I would watch over and over again:

1. Titanic (I just makes me dig into my imagination)
2. Legends of the Fall
3. Old Yeller
4. The Breakfast Club
5. Grease
6. The Lord of the Rings trilogy
7. Finding Nemo

Seven people I want to join in too: (NOTE: If you don't have a spouse, make it seven things that you think will attract you/ that you admire/ notice in the opposite sex, or a potential mate)

I ran out of people...

Can Someone Say "eery"?

Your Personality Profile
You are dependable, popular, and observant.Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.
You are unique, creative, and expressive.You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!
The World's Shortest Personality Test

Monday, December 05, 2005

My Son is a Mouse

I am just in the middle of preparing lunch for myself, Hallie and Aren. I left the room for a minute to grab the phone and came back to find Aren take HUGE mouthfuls of cheese out of the block. After weasling the cheese away from him and trying not to laugh while giving him heck, I told Bill (who was teh one that called) what Aren had just done.

He laughed and told me that there was something he had forgotten to tell me, something Aren had done awhile ago and it had slipped his mind. Aren had stolen the huge block of cheese, ran to his room and Bill found him sitting on his bed eating this incredibly big piece of cheese (you know the one you get at Superstore for $22?).

I think that is too hilarious. My family has always loved hard cheese. My brother, my sister and I would go up to grandma's house after school for an after-school snack of hard cheese and crackers, fill up and be too full for supper. She used to tease us about being mice and I think, perhaps, I have a mouse of my own. Cherish and Hallie love cheese too but so far in their lives they have not taken it upon themselves to eat the entire block of cheese. (Am I ever glad he didn't succeed at that venture....can someone say blocked up...)

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Dream Come True

Tonight Hallie and I went to Cinderella (the musical). This was her birthday present from me and there was a promise of getting to meet Cinderella that I didn't know if it would come true or not. I didn't promise her but I mean there was a glimmer of a possibility that the meeting could be arranged.

Well, after the show, we got our coats, said "hello" to an old co-worker of mine (who Hallie remembers from the Saskatchewan fireworks as the guy who made her the balloon animal) and went to leave (since we didn't get to talk to Devon to see about meeting Cinderella). (Boy, am I ever rambling!) Anywho, lo and behold out of the corner of my eye, I spot Cinderella...wah hoo!!! Hallie and I went over, got her picture taken and her autograph and Hallie's dreams came true!

She also got Prince Charming's autograph but he wasn't in costume so she didn't get her picture taken with him.

Anyway, so I can go and get her tucked into bed (it has been a long night), here is the picture of Hallie and Cinderella...

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Poor Little Monkey

Today I had to break Hallie's heart...but I did it for her own good. She is really sick, crouping cough, raw throat, slight fever, big black eyes...

I am keeping her home from school today.

Heartbreak sets in.

Tears fall from her eyes while she manages to squeak out poor pathetic little cries.

"What if all mine friends are havin' fun right now...?"

"What if I am supposed to be the leader today...?"

I tried reasoning with her, telling her this will make it so she doesn't get really, really sick and need to go to the hospital where she would have to miss a whole lot of school. Unfortunately there is no reasoning with a sick, heartbroken girl (especially when she is only 5...or younger) and that only made her cry harder saying that she didn't want to miss that much school or be in the hospital...

I would like to thank her teacher who is obvioulsy making Hallie's kindergarten experience an absolutely wonderful and joyous time. However, if the crying keeps up today I may want to strangle said teacher (but only out of love and appreciation for how much she has made my daughter love her.)

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Happy Birthday, Baby

Dear Hallie,
Today you turned 5 years old. 5 years old!!!? It is so hard to believe that it has been 5 years since I first looked into your beautiful blue eyes and heard your first breath of air. It seems like only yesterday that I was craddling you in my arms listening to your gentle coos and feeling your soft warm breath on my cheek as you slept on me. It seems like only yesterday that I found myself crying when I looked at you and realized how completely overwhelmed I was, once more, that my heart could be this full of love.

Today as I look at you I see a beautiful, smart, kind hearted young girl who has turned into all and so much more than I ever could have imagined in those first few minutes of your life. Today I see a gentle spirit whose heart breaks when someone else is hurting. Today, I still find myself crying when I look at you and realize how I am still so completely overwhelmed with how full of love my heart is for you.

Hallie, I am so proud of who you are and of the person you are becoming. You have such a compassionate and loving heart. I admire your strength for you don't give up but seem to strive to improve. In one year you have made such a huge improvement in your speaking and you have done so with determination and with grace. It was just a short time ago that you could not speak at all and you overcame that obsticle with so much grace, never feeling sorry for yourself and never being angry.

Happy birthday, Baby. I hope your day is special and I hope it brings you good memories. I am so compeletly proud of you and so completely in love with you. You are my beautiful little Jellybean.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Vandersluys vs Vandersluys

This right here and here, people, is why I love my friends so much. There really is never a dull moment, even in the normalcy of life...never a dull moment.

Now, just to keep up with the legal aspect, I would like to clarify that the order of appearance on my blog does not in any way represent favoritism or attempt to imply any bias. The order they appear on my blog has only to do with the order they were posted. Any further comments on this matter may be made in the presence of my lawyer...

I will add, against my lawyers better judgement, that it is a pity that their marriage has come to this terrible bitter custody battle over the eggnog... Can't we all just get along?!?!? (wink!)

Talk about breaking your heart

Hallie and I had a brief yet heartbreaking conversation just a few minutes ago. You can read about it over here. It really makes my heart feel...heavy is the only word I can think of but it is not the most accurate. It hurts that she is hurting so much and missing her brother so much. I also dread how she is going to react when she finds out that Jenn is graduating this year and may be moving out sooner than later. How much can a poor little heart take...?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

It's a Boy!!! It's a Boy!!! It's a Boy!!!

Obviously I don't need to say it again's a boy! Mom and baby are both doing well. We don't know his name yet because they want to tell people when they are both together and Brenda was still in the recovery room. We also don't know how big the little guy is. Mom and Dad held onto him as long as they could and then Shane went to Bill's office to tell him the news. Bill fed our poor friend as he hadn't had anything to eat since last night so his mind was on other his sandwich.

Anyway, a big old congratulations goes out to these wonderful friends of ours!!! I am so excited!!! I am also so relieved for you that it was a boy and now you don't have to worry about Bill nicknaming a girl Charlie for no reason other than the fact that he thinks it sounds cool.

Hallie has been busy packing up all of her toys so that she can give them all to the baby because she knows he doesn't have a stuffed puppy and she knows he doesn't have a doll and she knows he doesn't have crayons or a coloring book....


While shopping at Wal Mart this morning, I got a call on my cell. I had a twinge of nervousness because the only ones who know this number are the hospital and Bill. I didn't think Bill would be calling me as I had just talked to him so that first solo shift at the hospital. However, when I answered the phone I was surprised to hear a familiar voice, my friend, Dixie. As it turns out, prayer is needed. Other friends of ours, Shane and Brenda, are having a baby and she started having pains yesterday (baby is due the 24th). In the hospital she wasn't progressing. Having had a c-section before there was fear of rupturing or hemorraging; the doctors were gently leaning towards them having a c-section but were giving them an hour to see how things went.

I got off the phone with Bill moments ago for an update and he said that Brenda was in surgery as we were speaking and that the baby was probably all ready here. He just hadn't found that part out yet. So please pray for things to turn out all right for both mom and baby. Please pray for emotional strength for her as she was really really hoping to not have to go through a c-section again.

So, I am anxious. I am anxious to know if they are well. I am anxious to know if it is a boy or a girl. I am anxious to know what his/her name is and I am anxious to be able to go see my dear friend.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Getting into the Spirit

Today we started, let me stress "started", to decorate our house for the joyous winter/Christmas season. We have our lights up outside and some on the inside of a window (living room). We still need to do the lights in the dining room window. We have some pine garland on our bookshelf with cranberries and pinecones scattered throughout it and we purchased some candles with cranberry decorations for around the candle holders. I also have sugar cookie scented wax blocks for the oil burner candles. Does it ever smell yummy in our house tonight. A few other purchases...both of the Griswold adventures, "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation", and "The Charlie Brown Christmas" on DVD. I am still looking for "The Little Drummer Boy" on DVD and the "Nutcracker Prince" (animated and not). So here are some pictures of our house at about halfway through outside decorations.

The kids are so-o excited...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Enjoying my Job

Okay so today was day number two of working in Housekeeping at the hospital and I am enjoying my job thus far. I worked in the E.R. yesteday and I have to admit that it really made me realize where my heart is as far as becoming a nurse. I was chomping at the bit when I was there cleaning floors and beds wishing that I were taking care of the patients. Today I wasn't anywhere exciting but it was still all right. It sounds like tomorrow I will be in and out of E.R. again. Being in the hospital only fuels the fire about becoming an LPN. I need to get the lead out and start really working on that math....

Monday, November 14, 2005

They're shutting us down!!

I just got an email that myblogspot is shutting down at the end of this month. We will no longer be able to access our posts so I just finished copying and pasting mine. I don't know if there is anywhere else we can go or what...but this is the end of here.......
Goodbye everyone...goodbye....

Just in the Nick of Time

I got a new job!!! I am now employed at the hospital in the Housekeeping Dept. as relief which means they call me in when someone is sick, is taking holidays or what not. It couldn't have come at a better time! I will still be at BP's, for now, as I doubt I will get enough hours to be able to quit. However, why did it come in the nick of time? It is so slow at work that today I was sent home after being at work for 45 minutes!!!! I can not live on that!!! Thank you God for seeing the big picture and for preparing a way for us and for taking care of us...

Friday, November 11, 2005

The Poppy Remembers...Rememberance Day 2005, The Year of the Veteran

Every year on November 11, I remember. I think every Canadian has their own personal stories, their own special person, memory or family member they think of. For me, I think of my great uncle who went to war to fight for our freedom and never, ever came home. No one knows what happened to him. My family was told that he was KIA then they thought he may be a POW and then they were told that no one knew what really happened to him. He is gone and I always wonder what happened to him. What did he go through? What did he endure? What was his fate?

I think 2 of my grandfathers were in the war as well. I do know one was for sure. He was a supply truck driver on the front lines of the war. His name was Peaches. Whatever he saw during the war stayed his private secret and, perhaps, his private hell. He never talked about it, ever. It hurt him too much. He died a few years ago never telling any of us about it and never once mentioning to us that he had even been in the war.

Their eyes have seen such terrible, terrible things. How do you forget that? How can we forget them? The sacrifices these men and women made and continue to make for us. We can't just say that the sacrifices were made during the war and ended at that. Their lives were forever changed, forever scarred by what they saw, what they lived through, what they lost... It is hard not to cry when I look into the eyes of a veteran because I see pain in them and I see something that there is no way for me to explain. Look into their eyes and you will see a life lived that we can not fathom. Lives of soldiers continue to be changed today. While watching the Remeberance Day Service on tv today we saw Canadian soldiers (peacekeepers) holding their own service in Afghanistan, a powerful, powerful picture for me.

The grave of the unknown soldier sends shivers down my spine and fills my eyes with tears. Who is he? What did he go through? His family... A monument has been built and at 11:00 today the sun shone on the unknown solier's tombstone and framed it in a beautiful window of light. I bawled...

The bagpipes playing, the bugle...the 21 gun salute...this morning I sat, glued to my television set an emotional, bawling wreck. I can't find the words to express what I feel in my heart on Remeberance Day. Gratitude is not enough. These men and women are my heroes. What they did for you and me so selfless...I am speechless. I absolutely do not know what to say to these people. Thank you seems so insignificant but thank you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

We watched the veterans parade as well and watching these men and women marching to the applause of 25000 people was...again, speechless. The announcers said that there are 5 known veterans still alive from World War One. Wow! What I would give to talk to some of these people, to catch a glimpse of what their lives have been...

When I was in grade 9 I wrote a poem for the poetry contest for Remeberance Day. I won first place at my school, for the region and I got 3 in Provincials. I don't have a copy of this poem. I gave my only copy to them and I am hoping to try to find it. I may contact the Royal Canadian Legion to see if they still have a copy or not. It was called The Poppy Remembers.

We must never forget what the men and women of past years have done for us and what the men and women of today continue to do to protect our freedom. Whether you,personally agree with war or not, these people are still sacrificing their lives for us everyday to ensure our safety and our freedom.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Happy Dance...Doing the Happy Dance...

All right, for those of you who don't really know my I am not bi-polar but the contradiction in my posts today will probably leave you wondering. I am so happy right now I feel like I am floating!

I just got back 2 of my math (grade 12) assignments and I got 98% on BOTH of them!!! BOTH OF THEM!!! Did you hear me?!?!? B-O-T-H O-F T-H-E-M!!!!!! Waaaaaahooooooooo!!!! I hate math. I am terrified of math. You put 2 numbers in front of me add an x and a y and say the words quadratic equation and you have a trembling, babbling, full fledge math phobic on your hands. So, those marks arriving in the mail today were just the thing I needed to throw me miles back from the edge of that nuclear meltdown I was telling you about.

I am going to leave this post as a short one because it is extremely hard to type while you are doing the happy dance.

Nuclear Meltdown

Oh yes, people, a nuclear meltdown has been had by all in this house; perhaps even a few times each today.

At school today the girls attended a Remembrance Day assembly. I haven't been able to make out all the details but Hallie has informed me there were soldiers (I am assuming a video) and that she got real sad and the tears fell off her face. (Her words.) While telling bill about this on the phone a few minutes ago. I posed the question "why get kindergarten kids to watch stuff like this? Look at how it affects them." Bill, ever so kind and gentle Bill says," Yes, Ang but think about it for a second, not all Kindergarten students are related to you." (inferrence to my tear ducts being too close to my bladder).

Before school I had to give Hallie an emergency hair cut because her sister gave her gum last night and Hallie refused to take it out at bedtime when said sister told her to. Mom and Dad were not informed of this dilema. Anywho, as I was getting Hallie ready for school I notice big gob o' gum in her hair. What the *%$#?! Out come the scissors and snip, snip, snip. I now have a lopsided kid.

Aren has gotten into the phase of wanting to watch movie after movie and some members of this family oblige. I only let him watch one movie today and the rest of the day was tears, begging and turmoil. I tried to send him downstairs to play with his toys only to find him trying to figure out how to put a movie on downstairs. However I have triumphed and and he has only watched ONE movie... (and the crowd goes wild).

Anyway, with all of this...I am close myself to a nuclear meltdown myself. You all know the kind; the crying, the snotting, the bawling, the screaming, the sobs, the blubbering, the nobody ever listens to me, nobody loves me, mom nuclear meltdown. However, I will rise above it. I refuse to have this meltdown today...

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Buckle your seatbelts; it's about to get bumpy.

Okay, why on earth am I feeling sad that my son has stepped foot onto the path of potty train lane? Why does my heart feel heavy and why do I feel like weeping every time I look at him, a beautiful young man? Ah, that's right. I am a sap! I am a softy, a baby...what is it Bill says? Oh yes, my bladder is too close to my tear ducts or perhaps it is that my tear ducts are just too close to my uterus. Aren is my last baby...there will be no more...this is the end, my friend, the end....

Should I not be rejoicing that soon I will no longer have to buy diapers or pull-ups or baby wipes? I will no longer have to change stinking, soaking wet diapers or filthy gut wrenching poopy bums; why am I not leaping through the streets shouting with glee?

When I had Aren, my third c-section, hubby and I decided that since I was there...we made it official, no more babies. I didn't think it would make me feel different, but it did. For the first little while I felt...empty...lacking...weird...I can no longer have babies...

Aren is 27 months old. He has reached that stage where there is not much baby left to him (and by baby, well, you know what I mean). I have started looking at pregnant bellies, nursing moms and babies of all ages and I feel my spirit plummet to my feet. If I had my way, I would probably have babies until I ran out of time...

I have always been a mom...I became a mom at 18 years old. I feel like I have been a mom forever and in a sense, I have. I became a mom before I stopped being a child. As silly as it seems each day I look at the growth my children are making and realize that I am getting closer to not being a "mom" by leaps and bounds every day. Every day my children get closer and closer to only seeing me on special occassions or at special family events. I hate that. It scares the crap out of me. My entire adult life has been defined by being a mom, by being needed by someone to care for what?

I loved being pregnant. Yes, at the time it was uncomfortable and, apparently, I got really, really cranky when I was pregnant with Hallie but, I LOVE being pregnant. My friend, Dixie talks about how much she enjoys childbirth too and I envy her for that (everybody for that actually). I have never experienced childbirth properly and by that I mean I have never given birth naturally. As I said before 3 biological children, 3 c-sections. I feel ripped off; I feel like I have been denied experiencing a beautiful, natural part of life and then I feel guilty for feeling bad about something so petty. I have 3 gorgeous children so should it really matter how they got here? I have them and that should be all that matters. Why isn't it?

I fear feeling useless when my children are grown; I fear their independence, the very thing I am working to create with them. I fear feeling like an empty vessel, void of use. I fear sounding like a fool when everyone reads this but, we all have our moments of weakness and I wouldn't be being truthful to my friends or to myself if I just deleted this post. I will wake up in the morning, read this and probably say 'wow, hormones, they get you every time...'. In the meantime, this is honestly something I think about. I think about who I am outside of being a mom; I don't know if I really know. I think about things I feel I should have experienced (aka childbirth) and have sometimes thought it made me less of a woman to not have been able to have that experience. Man, sometimes the thought process carries you away on a terrible dark ride. Somebody, stop that train when I get on it. Having c-sections does not make me less of a woman...that logic is so stupid. I don't feel like being barren makes someone less of a woman but I create different standards for myself that I can't live up to. I am my own worst enemy some days.

So I have taken myself (and you) on an adventure where I have done nothing but wallow in self pity and now that I have gotten it off my chest and out of my system for, who knows how long, I will once more rejoice that my job is so far successful. I am raising my children to the best of my ability; I feel I am preparing them and equipping them with the tools they will need to be successful. I am stopping the self-pity train and jumping off. I love being a mom; I will never stop being a mom. My job description will change and I need to change with it. I am, after all, a mom and we can transform ourselves into anything we need to be...a doctor, a chef, a teacher, a dictionary, a chauffeur, a psychologist, a comforter, a disciplinarian...our list of talents is endless.

Oh, the places you'll go. Oh, the things you will do...

As a parent, we find joy in some of the most bizzare things. Parents can have conversations with other parents that non-parents just wouldn't understand or enjoy. How many conversations have you had with other parents (moms) about poop color, poop texture, poop frequency, techniques in relieving baby constipation, sore, cracked nipples, lactating...? How many non-parents would really give a rip about that conversation while other parents will rejoice with you when you tell them that baby had his first poop in over a week? Or that toddler went pee in the potty for the first time?

What sparked this little blurb? Aren went pee in the potty today!!!! In fact, he sat on the toilet, not the potty!!! We danced and screamed and cheered!!! Why does that have to end? The simple things becoming a party? Why can't I have an entourage of people watching me pee in the potty and cheering when I am done? When do my bladder and bowel fuctions cease to become news? I am sure I will be cheering and dancing (well, maybe not dancing) when I am 90 years old and making it to the bathroom too and, having worked in a care home I do happen to know that your bladder and bowel functions do become news worthy! In fact, sometimes they are so news worthy you get them put in a book!

So, congratulations, Son, for your accomplishment this evening. May it be the first of many! May I be able to walk past the diaper aisle and dance with glee for not having to purchase them any more; may I be able to snicker secretly at all the moms and dads who still have to drag a diaper bag around and think to myself, "I am SO over THAT!" and, knowing me, I will probably also secretly yearn for another small, cute little butt to wipe, powder and diaper...ah, the joy of grandkids...I will fulfill my desires and send them home when I am sick of it...(evil laughter echoes throughout blog world...)

Edited for clarification...I really, really do NOT want an entourage watching me pee or cheering for me...whatever possessed me to even think that....Oi!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

The Ball is Rolling

As you all know and have seen, the dress is bought but, the plans officially began tonight. At 7:00 I headed off to the high school for the first of many grad meetings requiring this family's presence. Jenn was at work, obviously Deanna and Darryl couldn't come in to town for a short meeting and Bill was not feeling well. So, there I sat, thinking 'it wasn't really that long ago I was sitting in my own grad meetings, long enough but not long enough to be here for my children.' That feeling always weirds me out; you know like when I was 25 years old and buying school supplies for high school for Billy.

Anyway, having gotten that all off my chest, I am not an executive of any committees this year (nor was I when Billy graduated because we were not informed of THAT meeting); I really don't feel I have time to commit. I may sign up on a committee but I am still debating that as I feel bad about signing up for something that I can't be counted on with 100% certainty (at least 80% certainty).

Jenn & I sat around the kitchen table tonight and discussed grad. We have a checklist going on of things that still need to be done, bought and planned; we have a checklist of fees that need to be paid and approximations of grad video costs and picture fees. This year will be a little different than when Billy graduated. We ran short of time very quickly after the ceremony, family/friend lunch and getting ready for the Grand March and all he had to do was put on a tux. Jenn & I have talked about just getting a reservation for Friday for family (the kids, Bill, myself, Deanna, Darryl and if any grandparents, aunts, uncles, blah, blah, blah want to come...a pay for yourself kind of thing) and then on Saturday (less stressful Saturday) we will have a bbq or buffet lunch for everyone to come to. The big party...the feast...the...I don't know, I'm getting carried away.

So, my life for the next little while, outside of my regular schedule will be getting her scrapbook together. I have some pictures copied, more to find and more to sort but I started this tradition with Billy and will continue it for all the kids. I loved every minute of it.

Anyway, back to the books for me and off to bed.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

38 minutes and here is the dress...

Yes, that is what I said...38 minutes. We were dress shopping for 38 minutes and we found the dress. So we have the shoes and we have the dress; we also have the necklace and the tiarra. We just need to completely figure out the hair, get nails done, make-up done and figure out what exactly we are doing for supper. (not too shabby for only being at mid-terms of the first semester). When Billy graduated we wound up being a bit too rushed for time by having the big family/friends supper the same day as grad so we may just have an immediate family supper that day and save the big supper for Saturday.

Anyway, I am sure none of you are interested in that right now. Here is the dress purchased from my dress hero, Phong. She is so incredible at her job and wants you to have a dress that you will be happy with. She tells you when it looks good; she tells you when it looks bad and she will most definitely point out what parts of your body make or break the dress (but she always does it with the grace of a lady and makes you feel good at the same time).

I digressed again. I am done. Here, ladies and gentlemen is the dress...

You don't get the full feel of the dress without the crinolyn (spelling) but you can get the idea.

The Room...

Okay folks, here is the room, complete with a new big boy bed for my,well, big boy. There are a few more shelves and a bulletin board (sports theme as well) to put up and I need to attempt to make his curtains but I think you will be able to get the idea of what it looks like.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Extreme Bedroom Makeover

Ok, so Aren's bedroom makeover has officially begun. We filled nail holes, took down those stars, have started painting his shelves (white) and have discussed get him, yes, a big boy bed. We have the frame and box spring; we just need to save up a few dollars and get him a mattress.
Tomorrow, while Jenn, Savannah, Deanna & I are in the city dress shopping Bill will be painting Aren's room a very beautiful shade of blue. I will post pictures as it transpires.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Black Coffee

This test was pretty funny, considering I don't drink coffee but I answered according to what if I did when it applied. I suppose I am low maintainance and don't even get me started about when I am at my worst. LOL

You are a Black Coffee">
%20color="#000000">At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable
At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty
You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it
Your caffeine addiction level: high

Saturday, October 22, 2005

The Juggernaut Jugs Rock!!!

I did not get to see them in concert obviously, since I had to work. I called Bill from work to see how it was and he thought it was great and said the guys were real nice. If you read Marc's opinion it is pretty much the same as Bill's.

Well, I had mentioned in a previous post how I though it would be funny if they came to BP's afterwards because I had missed out on the Hockey Legends and wound up getting to visit with them. Wouldn't you know it, they were in my section tonight after the concert. I called to tell Bill and he told me that he had talked to them as well.

Guys, they were such nice men and, from what I hear, incredibly talented. We had a great time chatting and laughing like old friends. They had been talking to Bill about going hunting together the next time they are up and apparently no one exchanged any numbers or emails or anything so we discussed getting Bill's email address and I gave it to them.

When it was time for them to go, they left me very nice tips and commented on how much they appreciated the service. I told them, with all honesty, taht it had been my treat. One of the guys went outside and came back in with a CD for me.

Really they were so nice. If you get a chance to go see these guys and support them...don't miss it!!!! I don't think you would regret it for a minute!

Friday, October 21, 2005

School Spirit Week...Continued

Wednesday: Sk Pride Day aka green white and gold
(We were kind of lame that day. Nothing special)

Thursday: The famous and always yearned for, pajama day!

Friday: Book Character day.

Perhaps a little explanation is due, for Cherish's anyway. She is the lion from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. Hallie is, of course, Cinderella.

Cherish wore this lion costume in kindergarten so, needless to say, it is WAY too short for her. The solution: put black tights on underneath. It only comes up to her knees so the look is comical but effective.

Hallie had a tonne of sparkles all over. We had sparkle hairspray and sparkle body glitter. Her reaction: I fink me need to have a baff when I get home from kindygarten today. (I wonder if that will be before or after her self prescribed nap? Kindygarten must be pretty tiring...poor dear.)

So, there you have it; spirit week in a, two nutshells.

School Spirit Week...the first 2 days.

Spirit week is over and as fun as it has been, I am a tad relieved. No more rushing around every morning making sure that the "costumes" are ready, on, lunches are made, breakfast is eaten and they are out the door on time. Now, we just have normal chaos. So I thought you guys may like to see the girls with their school spirit in high gear. We are off on an overview of the week of school spirit.

Monday: Smarite Day: Cherish was purple and Hallie was pink. Cherish did not get her picture taken that day...she was in a hurry.

Tuesday: Crazy Hat Day: Hallie had the same hat all day; Rush swithced it up a bit. Aren joined in with this one too.

I Dunno...?

My husband got tickets to a musical event at the Rawilinson Center; I had to work and thought it was a great idea when he suggested he take one of our friends...a guys night out so to speak. Their entertainment for the evening will be someone I have never heard of and, all though I am intrigued by what they will sound like, I am also frightened by it.

They are going to see The Juggernaut Jug Band...

I'm sure they will h ave a lot of fun and I will be sorry that I couldn't make it. I just hope they don't show up at work like most of the acts that come through town do. I felt bad enough when the Old Timer Hockey Legends showed up and I got to sit and visit with them after Bill was only able to watch them from such a distance...(okay, so I didn't feel bad enough to not phone him and flaunt that I had Eddy Shack's autograph...)

Bibbity Bobbity Boo

I am so excited!!! Tonight a guy who used to work with me came in and we were chatting about how things were going in both our lives, yadda yadda yadda. This young man is an actor/dancer/singer who is quite often in the musicals that we get at the Rawlinson Center. We were talking about if he had anything coming up and he told me that Cinderella was going to be there in December. I told him how much Miss Hallie likes Cinderella and that she is going to be her for Favorite Book Character Day. He told me, if I go, to let him know when Hallie & I will be there and he is going to arrange for Hallie to meet Cinderella.

Oh my gosh!!! Is that cool or what!?! I get to introduce my daughter to Cinderella! She will be so excited she will pee her pants!!! So...tomorrow I am going to the box office to check out what is available and buy her & I some tickets.

I can't get it out of my mind. I can't wait to see how happy she is about this. It will really make her day. It is such a high to be able to do these things for your kids. Sure it may not seem like a jump up and down moment to us (Perhaps if it were Jon Bon Jovi) but Cinderella is one of her all tim favorites and to give her the opportunity to "meet" Cinderella....I almost can't sit still thinking about it.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Quarter Back

No, I don't really mean quarter back but rather quarterback. I am positive that Aren will be next year's star quarterback for the Roughriders. I have evidence that this young guy can probably clean up and clean house. May I present Exibit A, my swollen, bruised nose. This should be all the evidence we need to make a decision. This morning I asked Aren to pass me the remote since it was right beside him. Big mistake! Huge! He picked that sucker up and tossed it at me, actually he hurled it at me. The remote caught me right on the bridge of my nose just under the corner of my eye.

Bill was surprised by my reaction as I recalled the event to him over the phone. He asked me how Aren survived the ordeal and then asked me if I had spanked him. Believe it or not, I didn't even yell at him. I never really had the chance. The impact shocked me so much and the intense and immediate pain left me in some serious tears. My nose felt like it was bleeding but, fortunately it wasn't. Oh, but the agony. My nose still hurts a great deal and is swollen enough that my glasses fit funny and my co-workers asked me what happened to my nose. Yay!!! That is after keeping a cold compress on it for almost an hour.

Aren felt very badly about the whole thing and curled up beside me and rubbed my arm and back. The concern in his eyes showed me that it was not intentional however, he was told he can't throw things like that at people...after I was able to have a thought process again.

It just so happens that while I was at work tonight Aren learned a new word, "catch". Boy, wouldn't that have been helpful a bit earlier?

So, quaterbacks around the World watch out...Aren may be taking your job next year.

What do you "Need"?

Here's a fun little game I got from Dominique. To try it yourself just go to Google and in quotation marks put your name and needs. Example if your name is Fred put "Fred needs" and press enter. Then share the 5 funniest hits.

Angela Needs a Vacation (Amen!!! I agree with this one)
Angela needs to complete a psychological evaluation (Did Bill have something to do with this one...? LOL)
Angela needs help! (This can be taken in so-o many ways)
Angela needs to find a new group of friends. (Um, not really)
"Angela" needs more bite if it's to play alongside the big boys. (Wha...?)
Angela needs a family who will access and work with a therapist
Angela needs to be in the schoolfor the disabled
Angela needs to drop a few pounds
Angela needs a caring and committed family who canprovide a safe, loving, and consistent environment
Angela needs a different prescription
Angela needs to take those 18-hour days she spends working on her Web site anddevote that time to improving the quality of her clothes
angela needs a talking to

Sunday, October 16, 2005's a good thing...(how'd ya like my Martha Stewart reference, D...?

This post started off with me reading this written by my dear friend, Dixie. I found my head nodding in agreement with her over and over and over. I too find myself being affected by the cleanliness and/or chaos in my house and I also find myself overwhelmed by it at times thinking there is no way I can get it clean so why bother or, I just don't even know where to begin (so I don't). With 6-9 people living in our house from one week to another, chaos here is just a fact of life and I keep trying to come up with ways to control that chaos. It is difficult when you get that many people's belongings in one house with not much storage and I have been trying to utilize many different organizational strategies. Unfortunately, my ideas are usually great in theory but are rarely applied by most of the occupants (including myself). Slowly but surely things are coming along and hopefully they will stay that way. We have gotten our living room painted, put up some shelves and a nice book case and it has managed to stay relatively clean-the odd toy here and there but I can handle that. Our next room is Aren's; we bought the paint tonight but I am unsure of when it will get painted, perhaps next weekend. If we can get that room organized...that makes 2. The upstairs bathroom will be after that and it is funny how a coat of paint and a few containers can make such a difference...

The other thing I agree with Dixie about wholeheartedly is the stay-at-home mom thing. There is no feeling in the world greater than that of holding my son who has not slept in 3 days due to agonizing pain in his mouth (complete with blisters on his tongue...guesses to what it could be?) and having him fall fast asleep in my arms, with his little baby breath warm against my cheek, and the smell of his baby soap invading my nose. Also there is no feeling greater than finding the one nutritional thing he can eat right now without it hurting his mouth (yogurt). Watching your children overcome their fears with your help leaves you feeling incredible and having them cling to you in a hug that says nothing but love as they whisper in your ear that they love you with their whole heart is second to none. The only thing that will top that feeling is the day I hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant." Hands down, the only thing better.

There is goodness in watching your child realize the difference between pink and red or recognize their own name written on their coloring page. There is goodness in feeling your child relax as he/she feels safe in your arms. There is goodness in those small, simple every day things that we sometimes are too busy to enjoy, that we sometimes take for granted and are overlooked. I think it is time for us all to enjoy those simple moments: dunking oreos in a tall glass of milk with your children, jumping in mud puddles (or almost season appropriate, making snow angels), taking a nice long walk in a rain shower or layingin the sun watching the leaves fall from the trees...there is something so beautiful in simplicity.

Saturday, October 15, 2005


I had a fun night. Tonight was a surprise birthday party for my cousin; he is 40. There were only a handful of us cousins and our kids there but it was still fun. Obviously it would have been better had more of us been able to attend but Little Brother was off to see Granny for a visit (glad he got to do that) and another cousin had a All in all though it was still fun; we usually we do have fun when we get together. It seems everyone gets a turn at being picked on, make up for lost time. Jenn was able to realize that she goes to school with some of her "family"; they are a couple of years younger than her though. Acouple of more years and Bill and another cousin turn 40...hmmmm...2 years to plan...tee hee hee...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


I am

You are Rerun!

I got Bill's help with this and I am Rerun...who? When I did it myself I got Linus...I dunno...

Growing Up is Hard to Do...

Hallie suffered her first heartache today. A friend of hers is having a birthday party and she was not invited. Her little eyes filled to the brim when she told me. Being the over protective mom I am thought 'why didn't that little brat invite my baby?'. Ok, not really but I am sure it would have been easy to think that. I told Hallie that sometimes we aren't going to get invited to our friends' parties because maybe her mom and dad told her that she could only invite a few people and she chose other people this time, maybe people she has been friends with longer. I also told her that there would be plenty of parties for her to go though and that this was just the beginning of them. It is sad for her because that is one of the reasons she was so excited about going to school was so that she could make friends and be invited to parties. She is so pleased that she is getting to make friends so it is disheartening. I am sure she will be asking us to buy presents once every few weeks soon enough. All in due time; all in due time... However, in the mean time growing up is hard to do and so is being mature about our disappointments. (I'm not sure if some adults are ever able to get past theirs.)

On a completely other topic not even closely related. Aren can blow bubbles!!! All ri...ight!??? You may be wondering why that is noteworthy. Betty, the speech therapist said that that is an exercise they use to see if children have muscle problems that are causing their lack of speech. (I learned this when I took Hallie there.) So, apparently, Aren does not have this particular muscle problem causing his lack of speech. He is talking increasingly more the last few weeks.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Grandparents: The Magical People in Our Lives

I had a very close relationship with my grandparents, on my dad's side. As I have mentioned on here before, we lived in the same yard so they were like a second set of parents to me, only different. They seemed magical. The way my grandpa's eyes sparkled when he was playing jokes on us or the way my grandma always made time for us and had an endless supply of hugs and kisses. My grandfather on my mom's side was always a joker...and a tickler but always magical. We didn't really know my grandma all that well.

Both of my sets of grandparents have passed away now and I miss them so much, from time to time. I was lucky enough, however, to get 2 new sets of grandparents as my mom and dad remarried. My step-grandfathers have both passed on since but, we have come to love them as we did our biological grandparents.

My Grandma H is in the hospital. She has been losing weight, 20 pounds in the last few months, and has recently discovered a lump in her abdomin. Today she was at the doctor's getting tests done and they have informed the family that she has cancer, Lymphoma (sp) to be exact. It is not cureable but it is treatable so, they will be operating on her to remove this lump. Please keep her in your prayers as she goes through this and the recovery.

Rush was having a hard time of it this evening before going to bed. I understand why; it is hard when you are 12 to understand the whole life/death thing, some adults still have a hard time with it. It is hard wondering if you are going to lose that magical person you love so much.

Here's to all the magical people in your life; make sure you don't take advantage of the fact that they are still around. Take the time to visit them, listen to them, maybe even sit down and find out your family history or fun stories about things from your past, their past...enjoy their magic while you can...

Almost Made A HUGE Mistake...

That is what I said and when I say huge I mean phenomenal...almost catastrophic. You'll see why in a minute. Tonight Natalie sent me a picture of her wedding dress; Pastor Steve is helping them buy it. (Isn't that incredible?) In my excitment about the dress, I almost posted a link for you all to see it and then I realized that I so totally can't do that because Billy comes on this website from time to time and he is so not allowed to see this dress.

We have been a bit stressed out about this wedding because they want to have it in May and it seemed like it was just because that was when they wanted to have it. It turns out that there are a few other reasons that Billy failed to mention because he didn't want us to worry. One is that he wasn't able to get a visa for living/working down there. Why? It is so screwy that it is almost funny. He can't get a religious workers visa because he is engaged. He can't get an engagement visa (or fiance visa can't remember what it is called) because he is all ready down there. Please join me in an OY! Anyway the end of his 6 months is Feb 10 and he needs to be out of there again. Now I don't know if that means for a brief amount of time or what but, regardless, he has to be out of there by then. Also he has a guaranteed job if he is employable before June. May was the best for them to get all of these requirements fulfilled and still try to give everyone up here as much time to save money. These kids though! They don't tell you until you pull it from them (right Billy?). Anyway, so now we know why it NEEDS to be in May and not that it NEEDS to be in May because of WANTS. It makes things so much easier to deal with now that we know why.

I really am hoping and praying that we will be able to get the money together to go down there. I am going to be out of work in January because of renovations....and all that fun jazz. Praying, praying, praying...I know that it will all work out in the end however, part of me is still fretting about it in the very deepest, darkest part...

So, if anyone wants to see Natalie's dress email me and let me know. I will not be putting the picture on Billy doesn't accidentally find it. Anyway...Goodnight...OH WAIT!

Happy Turkey Day to everyone...
I am so very thankful for my family, my friends who help keep me real, my job, this house, my van, Bill's car, my country, having WRC and the people there to turn to when we need refreshing, World Revival Network, my health, and last on this list but first and foremost...GOD.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Things Your 12 yr Old Never Tells You...

While tucking Hallie into bed tonight I saw a paper sticking out of Rush's backpack that read "Rating for Oral Presentation". Wha...!!! This is the North Korea project that she had had so much trouble finding information on, the project she spent a lot of time on MSN recruiting Tanya's help finding appropriate websites she could go to (she is not allowed to just look at sites without someone finding out first if the site she is going to actually contains the information she seeks or if it is some cover for 'you-know-what'). Anyway, I looked at said note to find out that she got a 41 out of 45 on her project. Hooray!!! That's 91%!!

She is learning guitar in Music class this year; we were told this. Things we weren't told about this class are that her teacher handed them a book and a guitar and told them each to go to a different area of the school and learn it. Every so often, they get a test and she grades them on what they have, taught themselves. The other thing she never told us about this class is that the teacher gives them sheet music to learn according to how well they have done on these "exams" and she (Rush) is the first grade 7 student to get level 2 music.

She has grown so much since summer that none, and I mean NONE, of her pants fit her properly! I just bought her new pants in July!!! While going through Hallie's clothes, Rush informs me that she doesn't have any pants that fit her and needs some more as soon as possible. Boy, what a hard pill to swallow when we don't have the money for that right now. It sure would be nice if her S.D. would pull through and send some money. I have been emailing my worker through Maintenance Enforcement every week for 3 weeks now and have gotten no response. I am so very close to telling them that I am going to go to the paper to let them know how well (NOT!!!!) they have helped me (since he is $4000.00 plus in arrears).

Speaking of dead beats not paying their child support, I saw something that I thought was hilarious and was SO VERY tempted to do. I saw a parked car that had a sign in it saying that so and so could gamble but couldn't afford to pay child support. My take on that would be to just put this huge sign in my window whenever I am parked (especially in Saskatoon) saying "D.W. owes this much money and refuses to pay it"!! Oh sweet, sweet, sweet...but probably hust a fantasy to play out in my imagination from time to time...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

And the award for "Mom of the Year" goes out to...not me...

Tonight I feel like a lousy mom. I know I am not but I feel like it. I don't get to see my kids. Aren and I have been able to have some fun and I felt really good about my mothering abilities as we were leaving the library this morning after Time For Two's. Then we picked up Hallie at school who cried because she was hoping to walk and I had to pick her up in the van as the library thing was a bit later than I expected and we had to walk a few blocks to our van (no parking any where near that library this morning). Walking into this house made me feel even better about myself. I have really let things slip and I am not just meaning with housework. I used to plan meals and we spent a lot less on groceries doing it that way; I was getting things organized not just clean. Then I got a second job and it was working nights and things began to slip...I survived my life at that time...that is all...I functioned, barely. My house fell apart and it seems like I have let it go ever since, even now with only working one job.

How did I think I was going to be able to work 2 jobs? I don't see my family much with the one that I do have. Seeing my parents is pretty much non existent and that hurts. I got to spend an hour or so with Renee the other day and it felt so good to see her that it hurt (why? because I realized what I have been missing). I have been able to get to know Tanya again after a very long time. We were strangers who shared a common genetic make-up.

Cherish came upstairs tonight looking like she was on the verge of tears and told me that she missed me and would like to snuggle. It warmed my heart that my 12 year old still wants to snuggle with me. It also broke my heart...

Thinking about this and seeing it in black and white has brought tears to my eyes and I am trying not to dwell on this whole matter and understand that I am doing the best that I can with the situation that we are in right now. I am trying to just give it to God which is a phrase that always irritates me when Bill says it. Yeah, why didn't I think about that...if only it were that simple sometimes. I try giving these things to God only to hang onto just enough of it so I don't allow myself to live guilt free. If I didn't feel badly about it that would make me a worse mom than I actually feel (that is my logic at this point)...I know, I life would make an excellent illustration for so many sermons...Pastors out there, I have a can pay me to live at my house to study my life for your sermons so that I can stay home with my kids and not feel this way any more thus ending your illustrations....see, it doesn't even work out that way. (lol)

I am capable of giving myself really good advice the only trouble is I am too busy giving myself the lecture that I don't actually listen to what I am saying, or, I hear it but don't comprehend it.

So back to my kids and I. I really, really miss them, more than I think they realize. Some days it really hurts to open that door and go off to work. I know I am not the only mom who feels like this so...any advice? Aside from just pulling the bandaid off in one fatal swoop? Waving goodbye to my crying kids at the door is not the June Cleaver life I saw for myself. Crying all the way to work is not a good thing when you sort of rely on looking humanish in order to get tips.

I guess I don't really need advice...(although it wouldn't hurt to hear it) I just needed to vent about this in a safe zone where I don't need to listen to someone give me some flippant answer and tell me to get over it.

Honestly, I just miss my kids....

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

A Blizzard...

...and no, I don't mean the ice cream. I was just watching the news and there is a blizzard not that far from here. The snow is every is icy, slippery and the drivers have somehow forgotten how to drive in it. People, 9 months of our year (only a slight exaggeration) is snow and blizzards. If anything, we should forget how to drive when it's nice out but no...common sense and drivers ed go right out the window when the first flakes start to fall. Oy!!! I am so glad that we have held off and that this blizzard has not yet graced our neck of the woods with its presence. Mornings are bad enough trying to get these girls off to school without having to add ski pants and winter boots to the equation. I am going to have to get this morning schedule tweeked before then or have to get them to walk by themselves without Aren & I (he tends to be a bit too inquisitive on the way to school and dawdles).

Speaking of Aren, tomorrow he starts his "Time For Two's" club at the library. He was very excited about it when I told him what tomorrow is. Patience is a virtue he is in need of learning. Every 5 minutes today he told me "let's go" when I told him we were going to see Auntie and Carter after we picked Hallie up. Needless to say, he got all shy when we met up with them and didn't talk to them very much. It wasn't until we were about to leave that he started warming up enough to start talking. I think this library thing will help him with that...get him used to different people and talking around them. He also started his speech therapy on Monday. He only goes 6-7 weeks and then takes a break but he did real well. We'll see how much better he does in 2 weeks when he goes back after Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Random things from today

Today was an odd sort of day, not in a bad way but in a weird way. Just because of all the different things that have happened today.

First thing this morning we found out that the Mill is closing in January; what a difference that will make in our town. Families will be leaving, small/independent companies will be shutting down, local businesses will lose (I think) a lot of business and the housing market is going to be very low come Spring. (A good thing for some of us.) Needless to say, the town has been buzzing about this all day; for the first time since I can remember it is the first time our entire community has had something to talk about and is all they talk about(other than tragedies like 9-11 and Columbine). Jenn said that this was pretty much the only topic of conversation in her classes today.

Hallie has not been sleeping well lately; she's been having bad dreams and, to use her words, "freaking out". To help ease the freaking out I have moved a light I got from my old secret sister (aka Paula) that flashes different colors but isn't bright enough to keep her or Rush awake (a psychadelic night light so to speak). The big dark circles under her eyes each morning scream at me how tired she is and the fact that all she wants to do after lunch is lay down on the couch to watch a movie and "rest" is an even bigger indication. We went though this when Billy first left and went to Kansas. She has even started wetting the bed again however, this is not a nightly occurance right now. It has happened twice during really bad "bad dream" nights.

The fog this morning was unbelievable! On the walk to the school, the kids and I had to be very, very careful of traffic. We couldn't see them at the best of times and then there were the yahoos who didn't put their lights on. I dug out more winter jackets and discovered that Aren's was in need of serious repair. Upon inspecting it a bit more closely I discovered that it was probably a better investment to go buy a new one than to get this one fixed. We have snowsuits but Bill & I both figured that he needs a jacket that can be worn now and will be warm enough to put on him if we just have to run out during the winter instead of strapping him a snowsuit all the time. Aren & I found a really cool jacket that Bill would have loved...Toronto Maple Leafs hockey jacket, however, I can not justify spending $50 on a jacket just because it has a maple leaf on it. (perhaps this is the evidence to show you all that I am not an avid hockey fan. I know 3 men who will probably skin me for not getting this jacket.) Before they throttle me though, Aren DID get a hockey jacket. At the back of his new coat there is a hockey emblem of some sort so you can only be half mad at me and this jacket was on for 25% off only costing me $25.

During this excursion I discovered that Aren really likes the beat to that Gwen Steffani song that goes "If I were a rich girl na na na na nananananananaa....". He was singing the " na na na na" part today when we heard it in the mall, puckered up his lips, bobbed his head and did some sort of a dance that was too, too funny for words. I only hope he does it again so I can capture it on videotape because it would be great bribery footage and/or wedding video material.

Reflecting on my last statement I wonder if all moms view their children's lives this way: Take a goofy picture and all the while think in the back of their heads how great it will look blown up into poster size and sitting at the head table of said child's wedding?

Bill is really a workaholic; I now have proof. He has just spent the last 16 hours at work(regular shift and scheduled overtime) and they called him in to fix something else so he has chosen to bring breakfast, a blanket and a pillow. I am officially a work widow...

Speaking of Bill & work, I can also call him a nerd and not feel bad about it at all. While on the phone with whoever called my house at 11:00 pm to tell him about this urgent work at the hospital, Bill says 'hang on while I get a pen and paper'. Well, I laughed so hard I almost cried and almost fell off the couch; Bill's "pen" and "paper" were his stylus and palm pilot. And one word filled the air as everyone read this...NERD!!!!!!!!

Bill is also fairly certain that he doesn't want to take that other job now as it will also be affected by the Mill closing. His last thoughts on it were that he will stay right where he is. So I am ending this post as I started it, with the same thoughts that are consuming our community and surrounding area...The Mill. (on a funny note: Cherish wondered if the Mill shutting down meant we would have no more paper...I should have played along and told her that it does and she needs to go out and start collecting leaves so that we can continue to do our "paperwork"...)

Monday, October 03, 2005

What is New?

What is new...? Really...? I feel like I have missed out on September. How is it October all ready? Why is it that I am all ready digging out mitts and toques for frosty mornings and feeling the urge to make oatmeal every morning? Why am I wanting to dig out the big thick duvet and waking up with a cold nose and crystalized toes? (okay the answer to the last question is because Bill likes to sleep with the window open and with two fans on, even still.) Why are words like sledding, street hockey, skating and skipants dominating our converstations? Why?!?! Because! We live in Saskatchewan and winter comes early here (other places too but this is where I live); summer is no where near long enough. There never seems to be enough nice days to do a third of the things you plan for.

Good news about October: I am almost done my Christmas shopping. I still have a few things left and a couple of stocking stuffers for the kids and I did not go broke.

There are only a couple of more days until NHL is back. I can not say that I am an avid hockey fan. In fact, if there is no one here to start watching it, I won't but, if a game is on I can get a bit rowdy. Bill & Pastor Shane are pumped about watching hockey (aka Tornoto Maple Leafs) and it sounds like Marc is right there with them. Okay girls...Hockey Night in Canada equals, what? I definitely think we could get together and do some scrapbooking or something equally exciting.

Speaking of hockey, there has all ready been a couple of games for our local WHL team and, as much as I hate to sound like I am not supporting my local team...I am not. Perhaps if they didn't come into work with their attitudes, their parents with bigger attitudes and their groupies (aka pucks) with even bigger attitudes, it wouldn't be so bad. I didn't mind them before having to serve them and having them try to grope all the waitresses, having them not leave tips and having them get just to cocky and arrogant for their own good. Now, I barely tolerate them. It is an increasing struggle to put on a happy face and bring them their food. Trust me, prayer is necessary...constant prayer for strength and the ability to endure them with grace, humility and Christian love. It distresses me (to a small level) that I smile every time I hear that the visiting team has beaten the pants off of them. I am a bad, bad citizen. Bad. (well, probably not...just disgruntled.)

We still have not found a church that even begins to feel like home, feels like it is truly hungry for God or that feels like it is somewhere we want to raise our kids. Well, that is not entirely true. We haven't found one in this country that doesn't require us moving so far from all of our loved ones and doesn't require us to jump through hoops to get jobs. We feel that that will be changing soon but we don't know when and we don't know where (or who). We just continue to pray and continue to press in. Our faith, unwaivering; God has been our focus and that shall be our constant.

I think that is it for now as it is getting pretty late and this is all ready a pretty long post. We'll see you all later.

Learning a new dialect

Having a lot of fun with this website I found (well, Natalie sent it to me a while ago) but I am still having fun with it.
Here is me as a Redneck...

Whuffo' Aren Likes th' Library... When Hallie started Kinnergarten ah got th' bright idea thet ah was a-gonna start takin' Aren t'th' library on a regular basis. He absolutely loves it. Whuffo'? He gits t'take his Tonka book bag emppy an' brin' it home full of books. He gits t'run aroun' lookin' at all th' pow'ful right fine posters th' ladies haf on their desks...houn'dogs, Winnie th' Pooh... He carefully an' intensely picks out th' books he will be takin' home fo' th' week. Shet mah mouth! In fack at times it is down right frestratin'. Last week he'd take a book, inspeck th' covah, put it back, grab t'other, inspeck thet covah, put it on th' flore, flip through th' pages ev'ry so offen while still lookin' at books. He will finally find one wo'thy t'brin' home which he will then, finally put in his book bag an' corntinue leafin' through th' one on th' flore while findin' mo'e books t'take. Once done this hyar book, Aren then puts it back on th' she'f. We then ha'f t'go look through th' books thet yern't allered t'take' huge ones thet yo' jest leaf through at th' table they set at. He also loves th' library on account o' yo' kin bet thet he won't be th' only li'l kid thar an'...thet means he has someone t'play wif an', eff'n it is a gal, bat his eyelashes at.

And Jive...
Whuffo' Aren Likes d' Library. Slap mah fro!.. When Hallie started Kinnergarten ah gots d' bright idea det ah wuz a-gonna start takin' Aren t'd' library on some regular basis. He absolutely loves it. Man! Whuffo'? He gits t'snatch his Tonka scribblin' bag emppy an' brin' it crib full uh scribblin's. He gits t'run aroun' lookin' at all d' pow'ful right fine posters d' ladies haf on deir desks...houn'dogs, Winnie d' Pooh. Lop some boogie... He carefully an' intensely picks out d' scribblin's he gots'ta be takin' crib fo' d' week. Ya' know? Shet mah moud! Right on! In fack at times it be waaay down right frestratin'. Last week he'd snatch some scribblin', inspeck d' covah, put it back, grab t'oder, inspeck det covah, put it on d' flo'e, flip drough d' pages ev'ry so's offen while still lookin' at scribblin's. He gots'ta finally find one wo'dy t'brin' crib which he gots'ta den, finally put in his scribblin' bag an' co'ntinue leafin' drough d' one on d' flo'e while findin' mo'e scribblin's t'snatch. Once done dis hyar scribblin', Aren den puts it back on d' she'f. We den ha'f t'go look drough d' scribblin's det yern't allered t'snatch crib...d' huge ones det yo' jest leaf drough at d' table dey set at. Man! He also loves d' library on account o' yo' kin bet det he won't be d' only li'l kid dar an'...det means he gots some sucka t'play wif an', eff'n it be a gal, bat his eyelashes at. Man!

If you're bored or just in the mood to play around with your words take a quick look here for the dialectizer.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Tag...I'm It

I have been tagged...

So, here it goes...

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

So, my 23rd post was Summer's Coming.
The 5th sentence was,
"Hallie starts kindergarten in the fall and I can't believe that either."

I have to admit that she IS in kindergarten and I STILL can't believe it.

Like Marc, I think everyone is all ready tagged or I am not sure they are willing to do it so...if any of my readers out there haven't all ready been tagged or are willing to be tagged...consider yourself tagged...
As for me...I'm outta here....

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Why Aren Likes the Library...

When Hallie started Kindergarten I got the bright idea that I was going to start taking Aren to the library on a regular basis. He absolutely loves it. Why? He gets to take his Tonka book bag empty and bring it home full of books. He gets to run around looking at all the really cool posters the ladies have on their desks...horses, Winnie the Pooh... He carefully and intensely picks out the books he will be taking home for the week. In fact at times it is down right frustrating. Last week he would take a book, inspect the cover, put it back, grab another, inspect that cover, put it on the floor, flip through the pages every so often while still looking at books. He will finally find one worthy to bring home which he will then, finally put in his book bag and continue leafing through the one on the floor while finding more books to take. Once done this book, Aren then puts it back on the shelf. We then half to go look through the books that you aren't allowed to take home...the huge ones that you just leaf through at the table they sit at. He also loves the library because you can bet that he won't be the only little kid there and...that means he has someone to play with and, if it is a girl, bat his eyelashes at.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Never Take For Granted...

Never take for granted that things are going to work out perfectly just because that is how you think it should be. A young girl that I know, in fact she used to be Billy's girlfriend, got pregnant, married her boyfriend and was due a week or so ago expecting a picture perfect life for her new, young family. Yesterday she went to the hospital as she was having pains; they did a stress test on her and sent her home. While at home later in the night, she was still feeling terrible and called her mom to see what they should do. They decided to go to the hospital and get things checked out again...another stress test proved that the baby's heart rate had dropped to 60 (all my kids were at about 142), an emergency c-section later and this poor baby was barely clinging to life, in fact, he had no heart rate at all at birth. They worked hard and revived him. He had to be hooked up to machines to get him breathing and he wasn't a small baby...9 lbs 3 oz. He was rushed to Saskatoon, with mom only having been able to see him for a minute, and stabilized, meaning he was breathing with the machine instead of it breathing for him. He was even responding to his dad's voice a bit and things looked up. Then, this morning, the dear baby had seizures. I can't imagine watching a child having a seizure, especially a newborn one. It was hard enough when I was working in the nursing home and one of our patients was having a seizure. The mere thought of it fills me with shivers and leaves me feeling sick and empty.

No one knows why this baby seized or had such terrible complications prior to birth and right now no one knows what his life will be like but I do know that we have a God who can heal him, if that is his plan. Sometimes things happen for reasons outside our scope of reasoning and we never fully understand why or we see part of the picture a little later in life. I also believe that we can plead with God on behalf of this young life. I believe that our prayers can change His mind if He so lets it and if our walk with Him is in order (worded a bit wrong but I think you understand what I mean).

I am using this space right now to beg each and every one of you to pray for little Nicholas and his mom, dad and extended family. They are having such a hard time right now. If you believe in God, believe in something but don't really know yet what He is, heck even if you don't believe at all, a prayer is still a prayer and He hears you whether you think He's real or not. Please, please remember these guys in our prayers.

Update: I just finished reading some of the blogs I read daily and my friend Dixie wrote a little something about this as well. Take a look here.
I know I find it hard thinking about little Nicholas and his mom and dad. I have so many connections to them. His mom used to spend so much time at our house or talking to us on the phone. I used to work with her husband, 2 of his sisters and his mom and I am friends with her mom, aunties and uncles and know a lot of her extended family through church.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

No Go...oooo!!!

Today Aren wasn't dressed or ready to get dressed when it was time for Rush and Hallie to leave for school. Instead of forcing the issue I decided that today we would just let them walk to school themselves. I was not prepared for what was to follow. Hallie cried a broken hearted cry from the very depths of her soul and begged for me to take her; there was no time to get Aren ready and them to school on time so it just wasn't possible today. As the girls were getting their jackets and shoes on, Aren realized that we weren't going with them and he broke down, threw himself at the girls and began to cry the same heartwrenching cry as Hallie had just moments before. "No goooooo!!!!! No goooooo!!!!!!", he cried as he tried to wrap his arms and legs around them to prevent them from leaving. He even resorted to blocking the door with his body so they had to step around him until I got him off the step.

Tomorrow we will be walking with them to school. No questions asked.

For now, Aren has calmed down enough to sit on the couch and finish watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" which we borrowed from the library yesterday.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Happy Birthday!!!

I know a cute guy with a birthday today. He is one of the most handsome guys I have ever seen in my life (one of them). He has gorgeous blue eyes that make your heart melt and any sort of a bad day melt away. He has a smile that makes you smile yourself however, he also has a smile that says "you had better figure out what I am up to and fast". He is 2 years old today. He's turning into a little man and I rarely get to see him. I need to get my "crap in a pile" or whatever or these neices and nephews of mine will be all grown up and I will have missed out.

I am so thankful for weekends off now. Things will work out soon.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to a special dude from Auntie, Uncle and a whole whack of cousins.
I keep on thinking 'remember when..."

Remember when he looked like this...?

Hurricane Katrina

Billy just sent me the link to an amazing, amazing song that our dear friend, Pastor Steve Gray of World Revival Church (Kasas City, Mo) wrote. I have to share this with you all. It moved me to tears and sobbing. Listen closely. He is singing to us, telling us to help these people in a tangible (real) way. "It could have been you. Oh, it could have been me. Show them you care in a tangible way."

Please, pass this link on to as many people as you can...get this out there.

Here is the email I got from Billy:


Pastor Steve Gray, World Revival Church, has written this song of hope to share with all who have been affected by Hurricane Katrina. We at World Revival Church want to send this message out to all who will listen, especially the victims of Katrina and their families. Please if you know someone that has been affected by this horrible disaster make sure to forward this email.


Guys, this is truly a great song and I think you really need to hear it...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Given Up

I had given up. Honestly, I had. I was done. I brought out the shovel and was prepared to dig a hole and bury my dream. I have a glimmer of hope now...just tonight. For over 2 years now, I have dreamed of going to school for Nursing (I think I secretly have wanted to for a long time but just thought that I could never do it). I worked at a care home to see if I would actually like it, if I was cut out for night shifts and if I could actually hack some of the things I would have to contend with. I did it and I LOVED it!

What was the problem? My husband makes too much money for me to get a student loan; I can't get a personal loan for enough to pay for school and for us to still be able to afford our monthly bills(the payments would be murder for us). I prayed; I begged God even but it didn't seem like it would actually ever happen. It still may not but there is hope now that I had given up on. Without beating myself up over it, I will explain what I mean. I shouldn't have given up. I feel like I gave up on God providing for me so, a part of me feels badly about that. That being said, here is my hope. Bill is talking to a guy tomorrow about a different job, one that is still in P.A. (don't freak out R.). It pays more, the hours will be harder and it will be a big adjustment will be enough that I wouldn't need to worry about working plus we would be able to save enough in order for me to be able to afford to go.

He doesn't have the job yet but I have that glimmer of hope that I am going to hang onto. Over all these years and everything that I have been through (and that God has brought me through) I should never have given up. I am going to try to not give up on this again. I think I am feeling a bit of desperation as I am 31 years old, not getting any younger, and it is just now that I am realizing what I want to be when I grow up. OI!!! This would have been SO much easier if I would have figured this out when I was jsut out of high school (but I don't think I was in a place to want to do this then) or at least when I first left Cherish's dad and was able to get help from student loans.

Here's to this working out and to me perservering...Never give up!!!!


I think Cherish is hooked. On what? Music. Isn't that great?! She loves being able to make music. She is entering her first Senior Band Year in school. This is her third year playing trumpet now and she still loves it. In Music class, which is a separate class than Band, she is learning guitar and is she ever excited about that but...the biggest and most exciting music news in her world is...bah bah ba... that yesterday she started piano lessons. FINALLY!!! When I asked her how her first lesson went, she couldn't stop talking about it and was so happy. Cherish has wanted to take piano lessons for a very long time. She got a small keyboard and we bought her some music books and she has been teaching herself (helped by what she is learning in Band). The trouble with that though is she just didn't quite have enough time or motivation to sit down and learn and she would most often be bothered by her brother and sister.

Anyway, she is pumped to be learning piano and she loves her teacher (wink at you, Dix). She is hooked on music and I can think of so many reasons why I love that...

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Would You?

I had an emotionally hard day today. I have been trying to "deal" with Katrina as all of us have been in our own ways. It is hard to wrap your brain around something of this magnitude being so close to home. I have been bombarded with images that haunt me and that tear at my very soul. I have spent countless hours dwelling on their circumstances, praying and crying.
Today was the final straw as I learned of how people are choosing to react during this tragedy.

I know a lot of people think that leadership and the government did a poor job if any job. I for one just don't know if I could have done any better. Now, I am not saying I agree or disagree with how this was handled by government officials. All I really know is I honestly don't know if I could have done a better job. Is there really a precident for them to know how to handle a natural disaster of such magnitude?

I also wonder how many people brought some of the aftermath tragedy on themselves by refusing to leave? I know this is their home and I understand that it would be hard but home is where your heart is and there are children dying in the streets because their moms and dads didn't want to leave a place. I also know that I can't say for certain what I would do or how I would react were I in the same situation they are so I am not judging them. I have no place or right to.

These issues aren't what really bothers me about the whole thing. What really bothers me is this: People are using this as an excuse to do whatever they want to whomever they want. I can understand stealing food from the grocery store down the street in this situation but...I don't understand the need to be stealing jewelry or what have you. I didn't realize having diamonds were a survival item. What does raping people have to do with survival?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??
Why are they finding it necessary to be raping babies?!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!? People are dying around them and all they can think of is raping someone.....Oh, God, help us to understand. Help us to help. Give us the means and the willingness to help!

These people don't just need sympathy! They need prayers, money, blood, food, water, medicine, diapers, baby food, formula, soap, blankets, clothes...! They don't need people standing around the water cooler talking about what is happening to them; they need people to stand up and do something!!!

Dominique has had a wonderful idea. (You can get to her website through a link on my blog.) She is going to be fasting beginning this Friday and ending this Sunday (Sept 9 to Sept 11) and any money she would have spent on food for herself that entire time is going to be donated to Katrina victims. I urge you to think of doing the same or something similar; it doesn't have to be this weekend. Pick your own time but please do something. What is $30 going to do? By itself, not much but, it will do something and joined with other's $30 we can do wonderful things. It won't make a big difference but it will make a difference!!! Right now New Orlean's can't afford for us to think that what we can do will not make a difference. Every dollar adds up!!! Think about it; pray about it but don't do something just because you think you won't matter.

I, like Dominique, am having a bit of an issue wondering how we would react if it were us and not them. Would my neighbor be harming me or my children? Would the teacher down the street who we baked cookies for when she had her back operation turn on us or would she help us? How would our society behave? Would I lose faith if I were in the midst of all that terror or would I be able to stand true and strong in my faith to God? I sure hope that I would. So many questions run through my mind and I just can't seem to wrap myself around them...

The one thing I would really like to leave with is to please, please think of how you can help. Just remember, a small way is still a way... $5 to someone with no dollars is a lot....