Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Am I Looking Forward to It...?

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that I am looking forward to having but am a bit nervous of going to at the same time. You see, I have been having migraine and/or severe headaches for 6 months, every day. Some days are worse than others and some seem unbearable. I kept putting the doctor off thinking they would just go away. Well, I caved in the other day. It is time to find out what is, if there is anything, wrong with me. I'm tired of living my life in this fog...fighting to keep it from robbing me of my life with my family. I seem to have done an ok job of still functioning with the headaches; I have only missed one day of work and haven't brushed off the kids very often. Here's to them being completely gone and not having to live with them anymore. Send up a prayer for me when you're thinking about it...for a healing and for a reason or relief in the mean time.

Some More Desert Pictures

Jenn, Savannah and Cherish in front of a wall with a bunch of hieroglyphics.

This beautiful bird is called a Blue Bellied Roller.

A White Throated Monitor scaling the wall.

Aren was in his glory, running from one exhibit to another. He squealed with delight at each new animal or reptile he saw.

Mama and her 2 babies.

What a strange but cute looking guy this Jack Rabbit was, never did see a Jackalope. =)

No, it isn't real but, when you have just finished seeing all the real ones and walk around the corner to this guy you have to take a second to wonder...

The grossest but neatest thing we saw in the Desert Dome. This guy was having himself a morning, uh, snack...poor little mouse.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

In the Zoo

We rented a wagon for $10 when we first got in the zoo; probably the best investment ever as I doubt we would have had as much fun had Aren had to walk the whole way (or Hallie for that matter).

Our first stop was the Desert Dome full of sand dunes, desert plants and animals. It was a pretty neat place to see.

That mound in the middle of the dome is a sand dune. This is where most of the cool trees were like this one....

Bill said that this tree would be similar to the one
that was used to make the crown of thorns that was jammed onto Jesus' head when he was crucified. Puts it in a little more perspective doesn't it?

Here we are in Omaha

We could not find a single RV campground anywhere near where we were. We stopped and asked a guy at a tiny little gas station and as friendly as we was, he directed us to a trailer park. Nope, can't get in there. We asked another employee from a diferent gas station thinking perhaps they would know. No such luck. Bill asked them if they knew of any cheap hotels. it just so happened that they had a bunch of coupons for a Days Inn so we got one of those and headed off to the Days Inn.

We weren't looking forward to how much that would cost, rooms for 7 people but, they had a room that had 2 bunk beds in it. The bottom bunks on both were queen size beds and the top bunks were singles. Definitly enough room for us and it only cost us $40.

Well, it was now 9 pm (10 their time) and we still hadn't had anything to eat so Bill ordered pizza from Dominos and they all sang Happy Birthday to me. The lights went out and we crashed. Bright and early the next morning we packed up, ate an apple for breakfast and headed off to the zoo.

Hallie was really looking forward to it (as we all were) but, she wanted to swim with the sharks at the "pet store". Uh, no! So, our day began at 9 Am, a wonderful family excursion to the zoo. Yay!!!! I wanted to get a picture of the kids at the entrance but, they were too excited to get going when we got there and they were too tired and cranky to do it when we left. Plus a couple of them were really dirty and Aren had road rash on his face but that is another story for another blog...

Learning a new Language

That's what I said. I am learning a new language. I have been a little bored lately and thought why not. It'll be fun. The tricky part was what language should I learn? French is Canada's second language; Cree should be a good a one to learn since it is as highly spoken in this town as English. Sign language would be even better and I have always wanted to learn sign language. However, the last few days have made my mind up for me; so I will write a sentence to show you what I have learned.

Quack quack quack quack!!!!!! Quack quack, Quack!!!!!!!

Translation: All this rain is getting a little excessive!!! I almosted floated home from work!!!

SEriously though, one of the steets on my way home is all ready darn near flooded. This combined with all the rain we had a few days ago, where the streets were flooded very badly. One of the guys from work said that the water in one part of town was up over the bumper of his jeep. It was raining too hard for the drains to keep up and he hit a low spot or pot hole or something and there it was.

Next step...Old Folks Home...

Hallie starts kindergarten today. SNIFF!! I really can't believe that she should be starting kindergarten. Didn't we just watch her start to crawl? Didn't she just stop eating baby food? Okay, maybe not and maybe I am just being that over emotional mom that I am. Okay, okay you don't all need to start laughing at me...I AM being an over emotional mom; it's in my genetics. We can give credit to Grandma K.

Last night I was sitting with Hallie on the couch having a wonderful mommy/daughter time, she leaning against my lap,I stroking her hair. In, my emotional state, I said to her that I couldn't believe she was going to kindergarten all ready.

My daughter's kind, heartfelt and practical response to me was, "Oh, Mama, I'll be back."

I can feel the love, feel the understanding...really, it's overwhelming.

Today is also Jenn's last first day of school. Yesterday we spent some time looking for grad dresses on the internet. We have all ready found the shoes. Most girls find the dress and then need shoes to match. Jenn found a pair of really cool shoes and now we need to find the dress to match.

Bill has been showing me a lot of "sympathy" (not like I actually need sympathy). Last night while we were reflecting on the kids and discussing plans for today (he is sneaking out of work for a while to take Hallie to kindergarten with me.) he looks over at me and so lovingly tells me, "Yeah, your next step is an old folks home." Really, can you feel the love? (=P)

Monday, August 29, 2005

A little blog happy

So I got a little blog happy tonight and wrote 4 or 5 blogs about our trip. There are pictures on some of them and pictures that will be added to some others since they are on Jenn's camera. I will blog some more a bit later so you can all catch up. Maybe some more on Monday afternoon or something.

Delays, Delays,Delays

We kept meeting construction on the interstate that had us in two way traffic for miles and miles. At one point, just south of Sioux Falls we met construction that had the traffic going about 5 miles an hour. Traffic was lined up ahead of us for 1 mile, 2 miles behind us and we had at least 1 mile of traffic waiting to merge. (Jenn has those pictures on her camera so I will get them on here later.)

We reached Iowa at 6, so 7 Pm in their time zone. Aren had fun running around the rest stop we took a driving break at just past all the construction. Hallie was getting bored, I think and began using her energy in very creative yet odd ways. She stuck her face under the hand dryer and let the air make funny faces for her; she made faces at herself in the reflection of the nozzle...

Jenn's highlight of this part of the trip...seeing a McDonalds with a truck stop.

Day Two Continued

We stopped at a Super Walmart and got ourselves some fried chicken, wedges and wings and some other groceries and continued on down the interstate until we came to a nice little rest stop. We had oursleves a picnic lunch, had pee breaks and let the kids and me run around for a little while to wear off some excess, cooped up energy.

Perhaps we should have opted for a nice fruit salad, no?

The rest stop itself. I don't know what all they have in there but all we could get to was the bathrooms.

Aren running to let off a little steam. He liked to run full speed and throw himself into a heap on the grass. He would then giggle like mad and roll around. He also "galloped" like he was a horse complete with his version of a horse sound.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Day Two...August 17...My Birthday!!

"...and the rain, rain, rain came down, down, down in a rushing, roaring river...."

We woke up in the middle of the night to a HUGE thunderstorm! Did I say huge? I meant ginormous. The one clap of thunder was so loud that Savannah thought their side of the tent trailer was falling and in her fear and desperation to escape, jumped on top of Jenn. We got a laugh out of that one for a while.

When we woke up for the day, we were actually dry inside the tent trailer. We had some breakfast and Bill braved the still torrential rain storm to take down the tent trailer. When we stepped out of the tent to wait in the van, we found ourselves ankle deep in rain puddles.

By the time Bill was done with the tent trailer he was soaking wet. He literally rang out his shirts.

The view of the rain through our windshield between wiper swipes. Like I said, torrential rain.

We quickly got on the road again so we wouldn't arrive too late at our next destination, Omaha, Nebraska. At this point, my birthday was "forgotten". Bill says it wasn't forgotten; it just slipped his mind because he had been so busy with the tent trailer and the rain. I wondered how it had slipped his mind for half of the day because it wasn't until about 10:30/11:00 (our time) when JENN remembered to wish me a happy birthday. I spent a very quiet morning...leaning my head against the window wishing myself a happy birthday.

Boy, did Bill feel badly when he realized what the date was. Travelling does get you a little mixed up...I suppose.

The American McDonalds Experience

Supper was at McDonalds in Minot, ND. It was getting a little late and we still hadn't bought any groceries so we caved. Jenn was probably the least enthused about going to McDonalds but also the most intrigued, after all she works at one here. She was definitely going to check things out, like their menu, dollar menu (which she had heard about when some Americans came in to "her" McDonalds), their uniforms and the decor. The decor was actually really cool in there. Yeah, I know, it was only a McDonalds but, they had all sorts of Scandivian (I think Swedish) antiques, pictures, stories etc. They also had a plasma tv mounted on the wall; we watched the news. What a great channel to be on when going to a restaurant geared towards young children but anyway.

Bill and Savannah had a sandwich called the Ranch BLT. I had a taste and it was really good. I wished I had gotten that one. It was now 5:30 PM our time, 6:30 PM in North Dakota. Cherish did not really grasp that concept at first and finally got it or just accepted it.

We watched our first movie of the trip once we were on the road again. What was their movie of choice? "Are We There Yet?" Funny movie. Appropriate title. Actually, the kids had, thus far, been doing phenomenally. We thought Aren, especially, would have been cranky and not enjoying the ride but he was so well behaved. Hallie's earlier question of "Are we in Kansas City yet?' was only asked the Melfort.

We reached the halfway point at about 10 Pm (that is 11 pm their time) and set up camp in a Stamart in Grand Forks, ND. All the campsites were closed by the time we were pulling into town. So, we all used the facilities and went to set up camp along with the truck drivers.

Reaching the Border

Bill always gets extremely nervous when we are about to reach the border. I don't know if he thinks they are going to aim machine guns at us or what but he just gets really nervous and worries that we won't get across and that we will have to turn around and go back.
Bill "What a waste of a trip that would be."
Me (trying to sound positive) "At least we would have had a nice drive, a lovely lunch in the van, taught Hallie how to pee on the side of the road and shown Savannah Regina."
Bill I think he may have grunted or scowled at my positive outlook on his anxiety.

We reached the border at 2:00 PM and left the border guard's at 2:13. We had to show him our I.D. and the letter we had thought to get Savannah's mom to write so they didn't think she was abducted. He looked in the back of the van-not in the camper. We wondered if he would make us set it up so he could look inside. He asked if we had meat or citrus. We told him we had ham sandwiches and some cucumbers. Apparently that is okay to take across. He also asked us if we had any weapons or alcohol with us. Ah, no. We were asked if we had more than $10, 000 American. Like that would happen and then asked what we would be doing in the States. Um, a family vacation...? The border guard then looked right at Cherish and asked, "Is anyone in here being kidnapped?" Cherish turned bright red and looked at him like he had suddenly grew an extra head. You know the look, the 'are you completely nuts?' look. He then threw in a clever little joke by adding, "Just being tortured by your parents by being dragged to KC, huh?" Cherish did not get it.

Oh well, we made it across! Yay! No trouble. Yay! Bill could now relax once more and enjoy the trip.

We later found out that the girls were really disappointed with the border. Cherish thought that the border would open up like a huge gate once you were approved and let you through. Picture all those cartoon images of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven or something like that, I guess. Jen thought that the United States would look a lot different than Canada, at least Saskatchewan.

The girls all thought it was REALLY cool that all the farms we passed in North Dakota had an American Flag on it. Hallie had a hard time with THAT phrase (something like amucen fuc). Bill and I both almost over reacted the first time she said that with a "WHA-AT!?!?!?!?". She then repeated it and pointed to the flag. Whew! What a relief.

The girls were awed by the acres upon acres of sunflower fields. They also, Jenn especially, freaked out with awe and disbelief when they saw an army vehicle...a hummer...with a machine gun mounted to the top of it! Definitely a sight you don't see in our neck of the woods.

Family Trip...Day One

We left on our exursion at 6:18 AM on Aug 16. Everyone's spirits were high however, Bill was a bit nervous about the suspension in the van. (He should have been worried about the differential; I think that's what he said is not well with our van).
Savannah and Jenn were sleeping by 6:30 AM

6:54 Am Had to stop along highway for Hallie to go pee. Someone forgot to go BEFORE we left.
Sorry no pics of that one...

7:07 Am Aren is thrilled to see all the "tractors" in Kinistino. In reality, there was all sorts of farm machinery.
7:27 AM Reached Melfort. Hallie wondering if we are in Kansas City yet. This could be a long trip. Bill made a pit stop here to get coffee and to sneak into the camper to put the vent down.
7:40 AM so you now we just left the coffee shop/gas station in Melfort. Hallie has to pee. We do a U-turn on highway and head back to above gas station. Bill is not amused.

We ate our lunch in the van; we made sandwiches and had cucumbers and carrots and cheese. Savannah saw Regina for the first time. Her reaction:"wow, it's colorful". We saw the ugliest car we have ever seen before...The Smart car. Jenn has a picture of that one; maybe I can add it later. Aren kept himself amused by tickling Cherish's feet. He is such a boy.

It looks like we will hit the border about 2 or 2:30. I guess that depends on how many more emergency potty breaks we need to make. More later.


...some pictures of the trip. I hounded Bill and hounded Bill and I now have the pictures. Mewah ha ha ha...

Getting ready to leave at 6 AM on August 16.

Hallie and Molly ready to go and chomping at the bit.

Jenn never went to sleep the night before. She and her friend that came with us, Savannah, decided to stay up all night, along with Ryan and play games (Clue, Scattegories...). Silly rabbit. I admit that I stayed up for a while but I did go to sleep.

Rush looking a little tired; don't you think?

Aren looks well rested. He wasn't cranky at all in the van that first day. What a good boy.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Some of my Pictures...From July...

My sister asked for pictures since, and I use her words, she has never been anywhere. I haven't had a chance to get the pictures from last week's trip on my computer but, I do have some scenery pictures from last month's so I thought I would put some of those up to give her, and you, a little taste.

This picture was shot in Montana.

Here is a shot of Kansas City's skyline.

This is a picture of the rocks that they have all over the place in KC; instead of removing them to build things they work around them and have these stone walls especially around Billy's apartment. You see them all over on the way into KC as well. It really makes it pretty.

And one more picture with a little story for you....

This is a picture of a spider I saw in the bathroom of a Famous Footwear in KC. Why did I take a picture of this spider while I was in the bathroom? Oh the answer is quite simple and logical...really. I do not like spiders, especially ones that crouch down and look like they are about to pounce on me. So, it took a lot of inner strength to resist screaming when I saw this thing across the room from me in this tiny little bathroom. I couldn't scream. Could you imagine how embarrassing THAT would have been? I was far more afraid of being embarrassed because I screamed over a spider than I was afraid of the spider. So why DID I take the picture? Bill never would have believed me that I didn't scream because of this thing. He was really big (small spiders I can handle but he was big). This picture doesn't do him justice but, I wasn't about to take my time to get a good angle on him either. So that is why I have a picture of the spider from the bathroom. Funny little story now, then it was traumatic and news worthy (LOL).
I hope this tides you over a bit until I can get Bill to give me my pictures of his laptop.

Speaking of Nerds...

My husband is a computer geek and I always jokingly, but lovingly, call him my nerd. About a month ago a girl came in the restaurant wearing an "I 'heart' Nerds" t-shirt and I knew I just wanted to have one. I asked her where she got hers and made my way to Warehouse One; they were all sold out. Today, as I was running errands, I decided to go back and check and lo and behold, they had one left and it just happened to be in MY size. So I now one my very own "I 'heart' Nerds" t-shirt.

Speaking of the errands I was doing, Hallie is now completely registered for dance classes this year. I even have her lessons paid off completely. If you do that you get a 10% discount. I had thought about doing it in years before but...2 kids' dance lessons were a bit harder to pay at once so we did the monthly thing before. With this discount I ended up saving an entire month's worth of tuition. Yay!!! The only thing I have to pay for now is her costume.

I also have school supplies bought. I am done. I do, however, have to get school fees in order. Jenn's are almost $100 this year because of grad fees plus we have Rush's and Hallie's.

I think work exhausted me tonight. After not being at work for a week I jumped back in with having 2 sections when I first started work because tables were being sat in a section where there was no server and I was the only one who would pick up tables. Oi!!! I have to admit that I made a few mistakes tonight. However, after regrouping and having some quiet prayer time during my break, I managed to get my head straightened out.

I am a Master...Ha ha ha...!!!

I was really tempted to try this website out when I saw it...this little test...just to see how I would do. I loved English when I was in high school; I think a great way to spend the day is to read the dictionary and learn new words. My husband thinks I am a nerd... Perhaps, if that is what one calls an English Master.... (insert evil laugh here)

You are a MASTER of the English language!

Huzzah. While your English is not exactly
perfect, you are still more grammatically
correct than just about every American. Others
admire the way you speak and could learn a lot
from listening to you. Still, there is always
room for improvement...

How grammatically correct are you? (Revised with answer key)
brought to you by

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

We Are Back

Okay we just got back a couple of hours ago, emptied the van (not the camper), ordered and ate pizza and now I am here catching up on your blogs and updating mine. The kids were phenomenal while we were in the car is was a little unbelievable. Aren was cranky and crying today towards the end of the car ride but really, I can't blame him. It was a busy week. We arrived at Kansas City at 7:30 pm Thursday because we spent all day Wednesday at the Omaha Zoo, dropped the tent trailer off at our campsite and raced off to the church for our first service, Friday morning there was a seminar at the church followed by a lunch for the seminar people (us included), then an afternoon seminar, church service Friday night after supper at the Rogers', Saturday was morning and afternoon seminars with a lunch as well and an evening church service after supper at the Rogers' and Sunday was morning Church service followed by a home fellowship lunch (mmm Mexican food) followed by a graduation bbq for some of the students of the bible college Billy goes to (we are friends with 4 of the people who graduated and boy are we proud of them.). When we got home from that Mr and Mrs Rogers came over to the campsite followed by Billy and Natalie. Here's something pretty cool...

BILLY AND NATALIE ARE ENGAGED!!!!! He asked her Sunday afternoon after church and took her to a nice Italian restaurant for a nice meal.

It was a really rushed week. I kind of wish we hadn't gone during the Advance even though it was excellent. There were so many things we wanted to do but never got a chance to. For instance we wanted to take the kids to see some of the fountains, take them to the House of Hope and Healing and get to spend some time with some of our friends. We didn't really get to see Billy much, Justin at all and we only got to spend a few minutes on and off with our friend Johnnie. Next time we go down we will make sure it isn't so rushed so we can actually do some visiting.

Another bit of news you all might find interesting... Bill & I joined the church's motorcycle ministry. In other words we are the newest chapter of the World Revival Motorcycle Ministry. Yeah dad & mom, I am officially a color wearing biker chick!!! This time I am for the good guys though. I know I don't have a bike...yet's a ministery to minister to other bikers and just people in general and I am really looking forward to that. I have always hoped that I could use my "story" to help someone not go through what I did or to help them get past it.

Anyway, I will regail you all with other stories and pictures maybe tomorrow. It depends on when Bill gets the pictures off his laptop and I get them on my computer but I have a tonne of great pictures from the zoo... For now, I really need to sleep.

A part of me (a big part) wishes we were still there; it is good to be back home but work calls all too quickly...tomorrow. I look forward to being able to see you soon those of you here very soon and my friends in KC, as soon as we can...

Saturday, August 13, 2005

The countdown is on

That's right...only 3 days until we leave. The kids are pumped and I have to admit that I am really excited. I am so thrilled to be able to spend a nice week with my kids and my husband. My list of things to do seems to increase daily. Shouldn't it decrease since I am doing stuff that is on the list; really, I am. We have our house sitter/cat sitter/ fish sitter all arranged. Getting the camera batteries recharged and all my previous pictures put onto my computer and erased from my memory cards. I'm going to have to get lots of pictures this time; we are going to the zoo! A real zoo. Not like I am intentionally trying to diss the forestry farm or anything but...we get to see animals that we will most likely never see save for going to this zoo. We can see badgers in the community pasture and elk and mule deer in the fields. The Omaha Zoo has penguins, giraffes, elephants, sharks...the list does go on. I think I may even take the video camera. You never know how the kids will react to this stuff. I have 2 more shifts at BPs before we go so the majority of what needs done needs to get done tomorrow and Sunday. The pressure is on.

The drive down will be a test of patience, I am sure, on both and parents. We'll see how it goes but the end will justify the means. Goodnight for now.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I am buying a horse...

...and a wagon or a bike or something!!! 99.9cents/liter!!! I am befuddled, bewildered, be...
I can't believe it. Well I can, sort of; ever since I firsted worked in a gas station, uh, 11 years ago, they have been threatening that gas would go up to a dollar a liter but it never ever happened...Til now!!!! I am thinking that I should go into the oil, rich, rich. When is minimum wage going up so I can afford to put some gas into my car so I can get to work?

I am now vented out until...I see those darn 9s all over again tomorrow...

He came, he strong armed, he went...

He came...

He tried to push his weight around...

He ran off...

He wasn't here as long as he, or we, had hoped but, we had a good visit. I didn't get to see Billy much because of his schedule and mine but he was here. The kids loved seeing him and are looking forward to seeing him next week. He was called back by his career and of course his heart had been calling him back ever since he got here. Right, Natalie? We're glad you shared but we're also glad you guys aren't missing each other so much. (wink)

Good News!!!

The last few weeks I have been missing my family, a lot. It is summer vacation and I haven't gotten to spend much time at all with any of my family. Hallie starts kindergarten this year and this really got me to thinking. The years go by so fast and, yes, she is only starting kindergarten but, it seems like yesterday that Cherish was starting kindergarten and she is in grade 7 this year. Soon I won't have the ability to spend time with my kids so I needed to do something about it NOW!!!

Yesterday I talked to the manager at BPs about my prediciment and asked if I could have Monday to Friday nights with Saturday and Sunday off. He said that that sounded like a great idea and that we could do it no problem. What a relief!!! I know I am still working nights and they are gone during the day but, by the time you get homework, chores, supper, baths, bed out of the way you don't get to see them much during the week anyway. I think I am going to like this arrangement a lot. I will be able to spend quality time with my family. Maybe we can even get to the farm once this year! Wow! Wouldn't that be a treat?

Anyway, that is my good news and I am very very excited about it.

Elanor said it best...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how we allow people to make us feel. There is a quote I love by Elanor Roosevelt that goes, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I've thought about this so many times throughout my life wondering how I can change the way people make me feel and how I can go about not allowing them to make me feel worthless or stupid or whatever the case may be.

My ex husband made me feel like nothing. He made me feel small, insignificant and he made me feel fearful and weak. My ex husband is not a big man and Bill can not fathom why I felt the way I do. I honestly can't tell you if he would still make me feel this way because I haven't had to think about seeing him or even talking to him in a very long time. The last time I saw him was 2 1/2 years ago at his dad's funeral and I was very nervous to go because of his temper but I hadn't been able to confront this fear since leaving him. Now, I don't know how I would react. I have God now and I find comfort in that, knowing that God is with me. I also know that I am not supposed to fear any worldly thing or person; I don't even need to fear Satan himself.

However, when I would think about having to see him my mind races back to how I felt when he was in the midst of throwing a temper tantrum and there were tools or highchairs or whatever he could get his hands on flying across the room. He didn't care what or who was in his path. My mind gets to that fearful place where I don't know if I, or more importantly, Cherish would fall victim to his rage.

My sister has been having a heck of a time lately because of what her estranged husband used to tell her: no one will love you; you are nothing without me; you'll never make it on your own... My heart breaks for her having to heal from that. I know. I was there once and it isn't easy. I still wonder if I am afraid of him or if I just don't feel afraid because right now there is no threat of ever having to see him. Both of my sisters and I endured it and it seems like we can't even talk to each other about it-our dirty little secret even though we know we all share it. Our hidden shame that we allowed someone to hurt us or that we were foolish enough to become involved with Mr. WAY Wrong.

Our children have little or no relationship with these men (by the choice of the men and I use THAT term loosely) and we feel guilty for that. WHY?! Why should I feel guilty because Cherish's S.D. decides that he wants nothing to do with her? My logic? I picked him. I was with him. I got pregnant by him and it is therefore, my fault she got such a lousy dad. Makes sense? No! Not when I think about it logically or when I hear someone else say the same thing about themselves! So why do I believe it for myself? I can't explain it, can't even begin to explain actually.

I vowed the day I left my ex that I would never, ever allow anyone to make me feel that way again, ever. So far, I have held true to that for the most part. I have good days and bad days but, for the most part, I will not allow anyone to make me feel worthless and unloved again. I went though a terrible phase where I pushed away everyone I loved because I was building up a wall so no one could hurt me. I made them hate me or hate what I had become. I drank a lot so I could be numb and not have to feel the way people affected me and, I hurt people before they could hurt me. I feel terrible about that; I didn't like that part of me at all but it seemed to be my only defense back then.

To my sisters, I say this, we are loveable and people are lucky to love us and to be loved by us. We are special; God don't make no junk, as the kids' song says. Anyone who treats us poorly does not deserve to treat us at all. I am so sorry that we went through what we did but I am so glad that it made us stronger people. Never give up on the healing. You are not a worthless person; nothing that happened to you is your fault. Those people are responsible for their own actions; don't allow them to continue hurting you. You are worth so much more than that. I LOVE YOU!!!

Sunday, August 07, 2005


I have a funny little story about Hallie when she & I were out on Thursday. We were standing in a check out line that was a little longer than she figured it should be and she started shifting from one foot to the other, looking around and starting to get antsy. She asked me why they couldn't hurry up and I told her that it was busy and they were all doing the best she could. I said, "You just need to be patient."
"Mom," she said, "I am just a little kid. I don't know how to be patient yet."
"Hallie, because you just said that I know you ARE old enough to be patient."
She then stopped complaining about it.

Perhaps you will see the humor in it, especially if you know Hallie and how she can be. To others it may be a "you had to be there" story. I think it was pretty humorous.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

We have a hurt kneeckle

Yes, that is what I said. We have a hurt kneeckle. Hallie & I were in the mall this afternoon because we had to go to Zellers. I promised her Strawberry Shortcake panties if she got the less expensive umbrella a while back (you know how memories are on elephants). Anyway, WalMart didn't have any. I know; I gasped too.

Back to my story. As we walked Hallie's foot did a weird little turn and she started to whimper a bit. I asked her what was wrong and saw her limping. "Mommy, I hurt my kneeckle."

"Your what?!"
"My kneeckle."
"What's a kneeckle?"
"You know, that fing above my foot?"
"OH! You hurt your ankle?"
"Yeah, mom."
"Wanna piggy back ride?"
"Oh yes, please. Fanks momma."

I thought I knew a lot about anatomy but apparently we have a kneeckle. Who knew?

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Happy Birthday, Rush!!!! (and a little vent too...)

Okay so I know this will show up with the wrong date, unless I can manipulate the date thing at the bottome. I will have to check that out later but...

Today (Aug 3) is Rush's 12th birthday!!!! Hooray!!! I can't believe she is 12 years old. It blows my friggin' mind to think that that much time has past. Do you realize that next year she becomes...da da dah...a teenager...? AAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK.

Anyway, our festivities today included absolutely nothing because I had to work from 11:45 until 10:15 tonight. I did have a slight break in between but not enough to do anything for her. Bummer. We are going to have her b'day supper on Sunday because everyone in the family (including our newest houseguest, more on that later) has that day off. Wow, 10 people living in this house right now and we all have the same day off. Weird.

Ok, so on to my vent and I don't like doing this often but, every once in a while you really need to blow your top about certain things or, I think, they will tear you apart.

As I said, today is Cherish's birthday and her sperm donor, oh, father didn't phone, send a card... nothing. He acts like she doesn't even exist. His mom didn't either and I can bet you with 100% confidence that if she were to call here tomorrow she would tell Cherish how much they miss her and how they are always thinking about her and how special she is to them. She just isn't, apparently, special enough for a gift, a card or even a phone call. Cherish has received nothing from these people (not one single family member), and I mean cards, letters, phone calls, gifts, in over 2 years now. I can count on one hand how many times she has heard from her dad in 7 years. Is that not pathetic?

I can be away from the kids for 1 week...and I have had to phone them at least 7 times and I have driven Bill absolutly insane with talking about them. I miss them to pieces so, I really don't understand this being able to live without her for 7 years. These people know nothing about her. They don't know she plays trumpet (and is pretty good at it); they don't know she is still in dance classes. They don't know she wants to learn to play the piano. They don't know that she won top spot in her age category for Youth citizen of our city this year or that she can't wait until today so that she is old enough to volunteer in the neighborhood old folks home. They know nothing about her. The last time they sent her anything, it was 4 sizes too small. They still think of her as a little 5 year old. It's so infuriating!!!

I would really like to, first, slap them all and then ask them what to heck they are thinking. On the plus side, these people are not good influences at all and, as her mom, I am glad she doesn't have to be around them. I just don't understand them not wanting to be around her. She is a super good kid. Also, the protective part of me comes out and wants to slap the crap out of these people for hurting her the way they do. I mean it doesn't affect her everyday but big days have been, in the past, huge. Birthdays, father's day, Christmas were all traumatic for this young girl. Oh, now I need to call her a young lady...sorry.

Anyway, that's it for now because I don't want to think anymore about her deadbeat S.D. (no, not super dad...S.D would be sperm donor.)

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Motherhood II

Okay, who here thinks moms have no use for creativity? Who hear thinks our creativity is being zapped from our very core? Mothers unite!!! I have learned how to have a little bit of fun when you are at your wit's end trying to get your children to help out around the house.

We have been trying to get everyone to help out with laundry as it piles up so very quickly in this house and every house. I have reached the end of yelling, stompinng and was about to use crying, whining and throwing myself to the ground while pounding my hands and feet... It just didn't seem dignified so...I had an idea. What if I bombarded them with a bunch of notes and reminders and just had a little bit of fun with it so I didn't stress myself out. Do you know why I am up this late? I am doing laundry because I think my children may be allergic to it. The symptoms they get when the mere word is mentioned are incredible, frightening even.

So, on my fridge door I have a note that reads
"Okay People
We have 2 choices.
1. We start doing the frigging laundry-especially Hallie's pee stuff-so the cat doesn't decide to pee on it anymore.
(Get and keep that laundry room clean and the cat litter fresh & dry)
2. We shoot the cat and make a nice supper.
Seriously, people, this is very serious."

I have one on the upstairs bathroom door that reads
"It's me again. Please help out. Mom is about to lose her mind!!! How can you help? Thanx for asking. Go downstairs and assess the laundry situation..."

I have one at the top of the stairs that reads
"Mom has lost her mind. Please help her find it. Last seen in the middle of the laundry room. Possible location: under the huge pile of laundry."

There is one on the inside of the back door
"Have you done any laundry lately? Could you do even a small load?
Please help save the wildlife, namely Jewel and Mom. You need not send $-simply do some laundry."

There is one on the playroom TV
"If you have time to watch this TV, you have time to fold some clothes. Perhaps start a load of laundry. Can you match socks? Hallie and Aren have 300 pairs each. Do you know how many are in their drawers? NONE!!! When yu leave this room take some folded laundry with you and put it away."

There is one on the laundry room door
"Sorry for the inconvenience but...
This washer and dryer ARE in order.
Thanx management

and there is one on the downstairs bathroom mirror that I can't recall what I wrote, something along the lines of all the rest. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't but I'm going to try humor instead of yelling. I'll let you know if it works. Maybe I'm onto something and I will replace Dr. Spock in parenting book never know.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Here Little Fishy...

All right, so one of our baby fish is big enough to enter the realm of the big fish. If a fish can look happy, it did, swimming around gleefully, checking out rocks and plants, logs and, well, other fish. The two runty fish that are left in the nursery got a little excited when he/she left but seemed to settle down after a few seconds...

I talk about these fish like they have a personality and it seems like they do. I think they are special, perhaps it is because I have helped them along since they were born. Maybe it's just because I am a sucker for pets and such. I don't know. What I do know is this, they are pretty darn cute and I love to watch them.