Okay, why on earth am I feeling sad that my son has stepped foot onto the path of potty train lane? Why does my heart feel heavy and why do I feel like weeping every time I look at him, a beautiful young man? Ah, that's right. I am a sap! I am a softy, a baby...what is it Bill says? Oh yes, my bladder is too close to my tear ducts or perhaps it is that my tear ducts are just too close to my uterus. Aren is my last baby...there will be no more...this is the end, my friend, the end....
Should I not be rejoicing that soon I will no longer have to buy diapers or pull-ups or baby wipes? I will no longer have to change stinking, soaking wet diapers or filthy gut wrenching poopy bums; why am I not leaping through the streets shouting with glee?
When I had Aren, my third c-section, hubby and I decided that since I was there...we made it official, no more babies. I didn't think it would make me feel different, but it did. For the first little while I felt...empty...lacking...weird...I can no longer have babies...
Aren is 27 months old. He has reached that stage where there is not much baby left to him (and by baby, well, you know what I mean). I have started looking at pregnant bellies, nursing moms and babies of all ages and I feel my spirit plummet to my feet. If I had my way, I would probably have babies until I ran out of time...
I have always been a mom...I became a mom at 18 years old. I feel like I have been a mom forever and in a sense, I have. I became a mom before I stopped being a child. As silly as it seems each day I look at the growth my children are making and realize that I am getting closer to not being a "mom" by leaps and bounds every day. Every day my children get closer and closer to only seeing me on special occassions or at special family events. I hate that. It scares the crap out of me. My entire adult life has been defined by being a mom, by being needed by someone to care for them...now what?
I loved being pregnant. Yes, at the time it was uncomfortable and, apparently, I got really, really cranky when I was pregnant with Hallie but, I LOVE being pregnant. My friend, Dixie talks about how much she enjoys childbirth too and I envy her for that (everybody for that actually). I have never experienced childbirth properly and by that I mean I have never given birth naturally. As I said before 3 biological children, 3 c-sections. I feel ripped off; I feel like I have been denied experiencing a beautiful, natural part of life and then I feel guilty for feeling bad about something so petty. I have 3 gorgeous children so should it really matter how they got here? I have them and that should be all that matters. Why isn't it?
I fear feeling useless when my children are grown; I fear their independence, the very thing I am working to create with them. I fear feeling like an empty vessel, void of use. I fear sounding like a fool when everyone reads this but, we all have our moments of weakness and I wouldn't be being truthful to my friends or to myself if I just deleted this post. I will wake up in the morning, read this and probably say 'wow, hormones, they get you every time...'. In the meantime, this is honestly something I think about. I think about who I am outside of being a mom; I don't know if I really know. I think about things I feel I should have experienced (aka childbirth) and have sometimes thought it made me less of a woman to not have been able to have that experience. Man, sometimes the thought process carries you away on a terrible dark ride. Somebody, stop that train when I get on it. Having c-sections does not make me less of a woman...that logic is so stupid. I don't feel like being barren makes someone less of a woman but I create different standards for myself that I can't live up to. I am my own worst enemy some days.
So I have taken myself (and you) on an adventure where I have done nothing but wallow in self pity and now that I have gotten it off my chest and out of my system for, who knows how long, I will once more rejoice that my job is so far successful. I am raising my children to the best of my ability; I feel I am preparing them and equipping them with the tools they will need to be successful. I am stopping the self-pity train and jumping off. I love being a mom; I will never stop being a mom. My job description will change and I need to change with it. I am, after all, a mom and we can transform ourselves into anything we need to be...a doctor, a chef, a teacher, a dictionary, a chauffeur, a psychologist, a comforter, a disciplinarian...our list of talents is endless.
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3 comments:
Lauralea has the best cure for empty nest syndrome (and since two of her 4 kids have or will be leaving home this year, she's the one to talk to). She says you need to make a tape with your kids having a major fight, one of your kids whining and having a major hissy fit, etc. Play this when the real sadness sets in and she says it will soon pass.
I guess it's the same as when you go out for a night and as soon as your out the door you miss them, and as soon as you get home you wish you were out again!
Let's keep encouraging each other to enjoy every minute (PLEASE ENCOURAGE ME!! :) ) and to see the grown up years as just as exciting, though different. Think of it, you'll probably be a grandma before your 40. (Okay, maybe that just made you REALLY depressed!!)
yeah Aren, congrats on becoming a big boy. Aunty is so proud
Angela, after I had Kaden (c-section) I, too, "made it official". No more kids. Kaden will be 2 on Sunday. On Cailyn's second birthday I was 6 months pregnant with Kaden. I won't be pregnant on his birthday!
I have been thinking about it too lately that I am having no more children. I didn't think I would ever feel this way - that maybe I would have had another one. It is sad when I think about it. Sad, but happy. Happy no more being pregnant and no more being up every 2 hours in the night. But, no more little diapers to change, and no more cuddle any time I want. OK, I am going to stop here before I upset myself!
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