Thursday, December 08, 2005

My Turn

It is my turn to feel like the failure of the month. I have been feeling guilty lately and it has been getting worse and worse. I feel like I am not there for my kids; I feel like I am not being a "mom". Obviously, I am a mom but I feel like I am not BEING a mom. I am always working, the odd night I get off it seems there are plans that do not include the kids and off I go galavanting when I should be at home with my children. I honestly can't tell you the last time Hallie and Aren were bathed. I am not here to do it and it just doesn't seem to get done. When my son wants something he goes to his sister, not to me. Why? I am never here and that is who he has to go to as a mother figure. How big of a failure is that?!?

I tried talking to my husband about how I am feeling and he dismissed my feelings right away without much consideration to why I was feeling this way. I told him I needed a day job so I could be home with the kids when they are here to need me (this way band concerts will not be overlooked, baths will not be overlooked, homework notes will not be thrown out without a second glance...). His response, "Then I guess I may as well fall off the face of the Earth because I am never there either." I don't know why his response to conversations of this or similar nature all wind up with him needing to fall off the face of the earth or dying or what have you. Perhaps I just need a little support not him turning it into a "I don't deserve to live" party and I am called over-sensitive...

After his comment, I simply hung up on him. I didn't know what to say; I could not react in any type of manner to him other than just hanging up the phone. I know that wasn't the best thing to do but my brain could not come up with an appropriate response.

So here I sit with tears streaming down my face, wondering why in the heck I am typing this on here for the world to see (and I know my husband will be irrate with me if he ever reads this and sees this post but I need an outlet) and wondering can be done to change this and wondering how I pray about this properly. I need a day job so I can be with my kids that is all I know at this point. Other than that I am at my wit's end, the rope just doesn't go any farther...

4 comments:

tanby said...

hang in there dear, something will work out for you i know it will. try not to be too hard on yourself but keep in mind why you are doing what you are doing. love ya lots
T

Anonymous said...

Di says

Try and focus on your life in bite size pieces. Balance your time. time with each of your loved ones and then time to yourself,read inspirational material and rebuild your self belief. Develop your God given gifts and be generous. The rewards will be great. xx

Candice said...

I wish I had something more encouraging to say other than, that even as a stay at home mom I feel guilt like you are experiencing. The constant critiquing. I'm sure you are doing a better job with your kids than you think dear!

Love Mom said...

Okay, so I just want to let you all know...all my friends in blogger land that I am doing better today. Somedays you just can't get yourself to see clearly. I still feel like I am missing out on so much with my kids considering I spent so much time with Rush the first few years of her life and almost none with the last 2. They will still have great memories...and I am not a bad mom I am just a bit of an over-reactor...

Thanks for the encouragement! =}