Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Rush '93

Just so that I have them somewhere "fire resistant" I am going to begin putting some of the letters I have written to the kids on here...it will ease my worry of losing them.

Aug 4, 1993

Wow, I can't believe you are finally here; it seems like just yesterday that I sat, trembling, in the doctor's office as she told me I was expecting you. Looking at you, I am filled with so many different emotions; I am so madly in love with you and yet I am absolutely terrified as I hold you in my arms. I am responsible for you; what I do will affect you for the rest of your life! THAT is overwhelming...incredibly overwhelming.

You are so beautiful! Through my drug induced haze I find myself staring at your tiny little fingers and toes and tracing your face with my fingers. I find myself in awe of the fact that you are really here! I feel complete as I feel your sleeping body snuggled into mine but then I get these sudden waves of panic that drown me. CAN I ACTUALLY DO THIS!? AM I GOING TO WRECK THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE? AM I GOING TO RUIN HER? I AM A MOM? ME? and then a warm fuzzy feeling takes over...YEAH...! I. AM. A. MOM! I'M A MOM! AND SHE'S BEAUTIFUL AND...BALD...

Yeah, my little princess, you are bald, just like I was and you are gorgeous! I can't believe how gorgeous you are! I've seen a couple other babies in the room with their moms and you are much cuter (perhaps because I had a c-section with you and so, you have a normal looking head instead of a weird mishapen head like those babies). (I know I am probably not making sense but I am still a little doped up from the general anasthetic and all the pain killers I have been given...I kind of wish I were a little more aware of what's going on.

So kiddo, it's you and me (well, and your dad too)and we have a lifetime to be together; I am so looking forward to all the moments we will have together, all the things I can teach you (and all the things you will teach me) and to tell you the truth as much as I am looking forward to it...it scares the shit out of me.

It's amazing how much you can love someone who has been on this earth for less than 2 hours; I never realized how much I could love someone. You are such a precious angel and I think I am driving the nurses nuts with the crying every time I look at you.

Love you to pieces all ready.

(Wow, Mom? I can't wait to here you call me that, to hear what your voice sounds like, to hear you say you love me. I hope I give you a happy life; I hope I can give you the riches of the world. I am so scared that I am going to screw it all up and if I do, please know that I will always do the absolute best I can for you!)

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