Tonight I feel like a lousy mom. I know I am not but I feel like it. I don't get to see my kids. Aren and I have been able to have some fun and I felt really good about my mothering abilities as we were leaving the library this morning after Time For Two's. Then we picked up Hallie at school who cried because she was hoping to walk and I had to pick her up in the van as the library thing was a bit later than I expected and we had to walk a few blocks to our van (no parking any where near that library this morning). Walking into this house made me feel even better about myself. I have really let things slip and I am not just meaning with housework. I used to plan meals and we spent a lot less on groceries doing it that way; I was getting things organized not just clean. Then I got a second job and it was working nights and things began to slip...I survived my life at that time...that is all...I functioned, barely. My house fell apart and it seems like I have let it go ever since, even now with only working one job.
How did I think I was going to be able to work 2 jobs? I don't see my family much with the one that I do have. Seeing my parents is pretty much non existent and that hurts. I got to spend an hour or so with Renee the other day and it felt so good to see her that it hurt (why? because I realized what I have been missing). I have been able to get to know Tanya again after a very long time. We were strangers who shared a common genetic make-up.
Cherish came upstairs tonight looking like she was on the verge of tears and told me that she missed me and would like to snuggle. It warmed my heart that my 12 year old still wants to snuggle with me. It also broke my heart...
Thinking about this and seeing it in black and white has brought tears to my eyes and I am trying not to dwell on this whole matter and understand that I am doing the best that I can with the situation that we are in right now. I am trying to just give it to God which is a phrase that always irritates me when Bill says it. Yeah, why didn't I think about that...if only it were that simple sometimes. I try giving these things to God only to hang onto just enough of it so I don't allow myself to live guilt free. If I didn't feel badly about it that would make me a worse mom than I actually feel (that is my logic at this point)...I know, I know...my life would make an excellent illustration for so many sermons...Pastors out there, I have a proposal...you can pay me to live at my house to study my life for your sermons so that I can stay home with my kids and not feel this way any more thus ending your illustrations....see, it doesn't even work out that way. (lol)
I am capable of giving myself really good advice the only trouble is I am too busy giving myself the lecture that I don't actually listen to what I am saying, or, I hear it but don't comprehend it.
So back to my kids and I. I really, really miss them, more than I think they realize. Some days it really hurts to open that door and go off to work. I know I am not the only mom who feels like this so...any advice? Aside from just pulling the bandaid off in one fatal swoop? Waving goodbye to my crying kids at the door is not the June Cleaver life I saw for myself. Crying all the way to work is not a good thing when you sort of rely on looking humanish in order to get tips.
I guess I don't really need advice...(although it wouldn't hurt to hear it) I just needed to vent about this in a safe zone where I don't need to listen to someone give me some flippant answer and tell me to get over it.
Honestly, I just miss my kids....
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1 comment:
its ok to feel that way. just remember who you are doing all this for. take any extra time you have and make the most of it. keep strong you are doing a great job.take care.
T.
p.s i want to know how rush did on her report
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