Elanor said it best...

I've been thinking a lot lately about how we allow people to make us feel. There is a quote I love by Elanor Roosevelt that goes, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I've thought about this so many times throughout my life wondering how I can change the way people make me feel and how I can go about not allowing them to make me feel worthless or stupid or whatever the case may be.

My ex husband made me feel like nothing. He made me feel small, insignificant and he made me feel fearful and weak. My ex husband is not a big man and Bill can not fathom why I felt the way I do. I honestly can't tell you if he would still make me feel this way because I haven't had to think about seeing him or even talking to him in a very long time. The last time I saw him was 2 1/2 years ago at his dad's funeral and I was very nervous to go because of his temper but I hadn't been able to confront this fear since leaving him. Now, I don't know how I would react. I have God now and I find comfort in that, knowing that God is with me. I also know that I am not supposed to fear any worldly thing or person; I don't even need to fear Satan himself.

However, when I would think about having to see him my mind races back to how I felt when he was in the midst of throwing a temper tantrum and there were tools or highchairs or whatever he could get his hands on flying across the room. He didn't care what or who was in his path. My mind gets to that fearful place where I don't know if I, or more importantly, Cherish would fall victim to his rage.

My sister has been having a heck of a time lately because of what her estranged husband used to tell her: no one will love you; you are nothing without me; you'll never make it on your own... My heart breaks for her having to heal from that. I know. I was there once and it isn't easy. I still wonder if I am afraid of him or if I just don't feel afraid because right now there is no threat of ever having to see him. Both of my sisters and I endured it and it seems like we can't even talk to each other about it-our dirty little secret even though we know we all share it. Our hidden shame that we allowed someone to hurt us or that we were foolish enough to become involved with Mr. WAY Wrong.

Our children have little or no relationship with these men (by the choice of the men and I use THAT term loosely) and we feel guilty for that. WHY?! Why should I feel guilty because Cherish's S.D. decides that he wants nothing to do with her? My logic? I picked him. I was with him. I got pregnant by him and it is therefore, my fault she got such a lousy dad. Makes sense? No! Not when I think about it logically or when I hear someone else say the same thing about themselves! So why do I believe it for myself? I can't explain it, can't even begin to explain actually.

I vowed the day I left my ex that I would never, ever allow anyone to make me feel that way again, ever. So far, I have held true to that for the most part. I have good days and bad days but, for the most part, I will not allow anyone to make me feel worthless and unloved again. I went though a terrible phase where I pushed away everyone I loved because I was building up a wall so no one could hurt me. I made them hate me or hate what I had become. I drank a lot so I could be numb and not have to feel the way people affected me and, I hurt people before they could hurt me. I feel terrible about that; I didn't like that part of me at all but it seemed to be my only defense back then.

To my sisters, I say this, we are loveable and people are lucky to love us and to be loved by us. We are special; God don't make no junk, as the kids' song says. Anyone who treats us poorly does not deserve to treat us at all. I am so sorry that we went through what we did but I am so glad that it made us stronger people. Never give up on the healing. You are not a worthless person; nothing that happened to you is your fault. Those people are responsible for their own actions; don't allow them to continue hurting you. You are worth so much more than that. I LOVE YOU!!!