Missing

Tonight Rush & I were looking through some of our pictures as she is wanting to do a scrapbook of her own. I thought it would be a great time for her & I to spend some time together while she picked out the pictures she wants to print off and it was fun. We had a good time laughing at some of the silly pictures and remembering some good times. It was great until...

I came across a picture of my soon to be ex-sister-in-law and it really, really hurts. Not only was she my brother's wife but she was my sister and she was my friend and now, she is gone...I am angry at her for what she did to my brother(and I realize & respect that there are 2 sides to this) and I am angry & hurt that she has decided that she wants nothing to do with us. I am angry that I have to retell my younger two children that they don't really have an auntie R anymore because she has chosen to cut herself off from every single one of us and it breaks my heart to see how much it breaks theirs. I feel betrayed by her in so many ways and on so many levels that I can't even begin to sort it out in my head and my heart just doesn't even want to try.

At first it seemed as if their break up would alter our relationship but not eliminate it and I sent birthday cards and phoned and she came to see Rush when she was in the hospital and there has since, been nothing and there is a void...and it hurts...and I feel like there is a big part of my support system gone and that person who I know I could be silly with has disappeared and that big sister who was always there to laugh, to cry, to celebrate, to mourn has just decided to not exist in my world and I can feel her missing...