Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Body Image vs Self Image...mine sucks

For the longest time, I have been dealing with my weight. Okay, if I were to be brutally honest I would say for the last 18 years I have been struggling with my weight. My struggles have, up until now, been of a different sort than most. I was/am anorexic/bulemic; don't get me wrong when I say "am". What I mean by "am" is that although I am not a practicing bulemic or anorexic anymore, I fight those demons just about every day of my life.

People would always tell me I was too skinny and that I needed to gain weight. I would look at myself and see fat and at 5'6 and 100 pounds I was far from fat. Now that I am heavier than that I have an extremely difficult time trying to figure out what a healthy weight loss goal would be. What I see is still not what others see. If I were to guess how much weight I want to lose I would say 50 pounds but others tell me there is no way I have 50 pounds to lose. I DO have weight to lose; I just don't know how much would be healthy and I don't want to get sick again.

Most people don't realize what an oxymoron it is to hear someone say (whether it is factual or not) that anorexia/bulemia are a person's way of maintaining control because you have no control over it. It has control over you and I do not want to go through that again. I am trying to do this the healthy way. I am trying to watch what I eat; I have been, spuratically keeping a food journal (time to get serious). I am trying to get disciplined to do pilates regularily and tonight I went for a walk/jog. (I read in a magazine that to start out it would be more beneficial to me to walk a while, jog a while, walk a while, etc.)

I hope I'll be more disciplined about this because I am really struggling with what I see in the mirror and I don't need to be a bad example to my kids, especially my girls. I beat that eating disorder crap once for Rush and I don't plan on needing to beat it again.


d said...

Maybe we can be accountable to each other or something -- or at least encourage each other and work on the exercise and food schedules together...

Love Mom said...

That sounds like a great idea. It would be nice to have someone to do this with instead of feeling alone and hopeless about it.