First

Everyone survived the first day of school. Rush made it through highschool without incident and without getting lost, something that was one of her fears. She also rekindled friendships from when we first moved here and she was going to a different school and she is pumped about that. Right now her only fear is that she and her two best friends will drift apart since they don't have classes together at all and she heard that all last year, how best friends didn't even talk to each other after a while at high school.

Jellybean's first day was just as good. She was looking fabulous, darling, with her new hairdo and just waiting for Hunter to see her. There are 2 grade 2 classes and she lucked out; she and Hunter are still in the same class, much to their relief.

Bug got to spend today with Pa and how much cooler could that be? Other than him obviously getting to go to school but that happens around the middle of September with Pre-K going full swing Sept 24. A friend of ours is the teacher's helper so he is happy as are we to know that she will be there.

I survived Rush's first day of high school with minimal damage. I didn't cry at all this year but I won't say that it won't happen as Bug still has his first day and I am pretty sure the waterworks will fall that day. No, I did think of Rush often though, wondering if she was finding her way around and all the things that worried her to a frenzy.

Pictures of the big day...

Where did I leave my freaking walker?

That's right! I am starting to feel like I must be old, even though I don't FEEL old. This summer we married off daughter #2, granted she is not biologically mine but something makes you feel a smidge old knowing that two of your children are married. Daughter #3, my first biological child, is downstairs preparing, physically and emotionally, for her first day of high school. (Should you still be classified as old when you can still remember YOUR first day of high school?) The baby, yes, the baby, is going to start school this year. Bug is anxiously awaiting his first day of Pre-K and we have a home visit interview with his new teacher on Sept 5.

Now, it's not just the kid thing that has made me feel like I should be feeling old. The other day my husband, now I need you help to tell me if I hug him or slap him, told me that he is proud of me for going back to school for no other reason than because I want to, not becuase I have no choice...AND AT MY AGE!

I guess I need to add Bengayand Depends to my grocery list now (according to him). The only other question this leaves me with is this, if I am so old, how old does that make the husband?

Pretending

Sometimes it is hard to pretend you don't feel what you do and sometimes it can be pretty easy. I have spent a year pretending that I didn't feel what I did, pretending I wasn't hurting any more but I still am. I wasn't doing a good job of pretending; the hostility was evident at times, the tension strong at others. Today I needed to stop pretending. Today I did a lot of crying. Today I stopped pretending...as much. Today I listened to Coldplay sing "Fix You" over and over. Today I realized I am not sure if I wanted to be fixed and I also realized I am not sure if I even know how to allow myself to be fixed. Some know the hurt, others will think they know but don't, others have no clue and others still never will. For those of you that know you know I am pretending...

Whew!

Back to some normalcy. No more holidays. No more weddings and with it wedding chaos. No more, and I say this with sadness, summer. School starts for the kids on Tuesday, for me Sept 11. I only have one job right now and that feels weird; I took a leave of absence from BPs; there is a stress that is gone but it is noticably gone and it feels almost like a void right now. There is a full time health records position posted right now, ends Aug 27, that I applied for; if I get it, I know that I will not be returning to BPs.

I'm excited for this newfound "freedom" for lack of a better word but I find myself afraid of it too. Am I going to utilize my time better or am I going to get stuck in a rut of nothingness and find I have wasted it all away? Am I going to well at this Chem class or am I going to bellyflop off the high board? There is far too much uncertainty in that department right now. I will feel more at ease once in the class a bit, if I find I am able to do well in it.

I am finding that I need to make time for me and I know that that can be perceived as selfish however, I am finding that I don't do anything that is just for me. So last night I ordered prints form my 1000's of pictures and I am going to finish some scrapbooks that I started. LilB & Nat's wedding album. The kids' grad album and I now have P.B. & J's wedding album to do. After that I have tonnes more to do with just family pictures or baby pictures.

I also want to take time for myself to spend time with my frends. I am missing that from my life right now. Not only is it a void from my life but I find I am missing it and longing for it.

So the chaos and unorganized confusion of the summer is all but over and school lunches, homework, music lessons and dance recitals are back to routine. Whew.

What a ride...or stop the bus; I want to get off.

Sometimes family gatherings are really rough: snide comments, dirty looks, backstabs and jabs and upper-cuts. I would like to say, on record, that it is even harder when ex-families are involved and even harder still when it isn't even your ex-family. Sometimes the hurt just doesn't seem worth it. Worth what exactly? Well, it just doesn't seem worth any of it at times especially when your own "children" seem to get in on said action...

Somebody stop the bus, I think I want to get off....

We're having a wedding.

It's seems such a short time ago that P.B and J got engaged. It's been a year. Has it been that long? Seriously, people? Have we really had a year to prepare, emotionally and physically, for this wedding?

The bridesmaids are all here and their dresses are ready. The groomsmen are all all here, including the one from Missouri and the tuxes all fit. The flowergirl has her dress, her basket of flower petals, her hair appointment and her shoes but she is still missing all her front teeth. The ringbearer has his tux complete with too big shirt with rolled up sleeves, his shoes, his pillow, the rings and a complete lack of desire to go to this wedding because he knows this means his sister will be leaving us and if he doesn't go, she can't.

The bride has her dress, her flowers (now, the florist made a mistake and they didn't get here until 4), her veil, her hair appointment and a complete set of bridal nerves. Same said for groom only he couldn't find a dress to look good on him.

The reception area is decorated, going to be cramped (I mean cozy) and looks pretty nice. The backdrops have been framed, clothed, lit and set into the first of two locations. The cake made the trip despite the roads and is awaiting decorating and placement on its perch. The rehearsal is complete and I think we are all feeling confident about it given we got the music and the sound system figured out and the dvd presentation was up and running as of last night. The moms had their cry over said dvd presentation and will probably have another one today.

Oh yeah, most importantly, the box of tissue has been strategically placed under our chairs in the front row. So if you are about to be a guest at said wedding, back off and get your own Kleenex!!!

Almost Mr and Mrs...

Once they got that first push to go up the aisle from Dad, these two did pretty good.

Big brother making up for some lost torture time; I mean quality time!

Stinging like a beaver?

Bug is in the living room having a picnic watching his favorite movie of all times (still) "Lightning McQueen". He has just come to the part where Doc asks "Was that floating like a cadillac or stinging like a beamer?". Bug mimics while playing with his car collection, "Was that stinging like a beaver?!"


Moments like these it would be great to have a videocamera ready 24-7 on each of the kids to capture their funny moments, tender moments and just plain goofy moments.

I am such a slacker!

It's been a while since I have been here. We took Rush to my mom's and she is there until Friday. I didn't go to work today and I have some things that I could be doing but I am having such a hard time getting the ambition to do them. That being said, they are things that NEED to be done before Friday and I do work tomorrow!

This sinus cold has taken every ounce of ambition, motivation and gumption I had and tossed it away down a deep, deep well and I can't even see the bottom of this well to try and fish them out of there...

This cold has also aided me in the killing of numerous trees that have selflessly and involuntarily sacrificed themselves to become my tissues...if this lasts any longer the world will be a barren place, void of all things tree-like.

14 years ago today

14 years ago today I was 18 years old, having laid in a hospital bed for a week during an incredible heatwave and was 198 pounds of mostly water retension and baby (having weighed 105 pounds before pregnancy). I had been in the hospital for so long prior baby as I developed hypertoxemia and was on the verge of being dangerously sick. Aug 2 my membranes were stripped and I was given Oxytocin.

14 years ago today, I was going to be having a baby. I had only been married for 3 weeks and was all ready realizing that my husband (not Bill) was not even remotely close to the man of my dreams having all ready abandoned me in this hospital and not really caring to see me. I was alone and I was scared.

My labour started and my "husband" was no where to be found. My dad and my brother were on their way from our hometown (2 hours away). Things began to progress and I was getting excited about the arrival of my precious baby. Not too much further into the day I failed to progress and an "emergency" c-section was ordered. I say "emergency" because it was ordered at noon and I got it at 11:33 that night.

I was given a spinal and strapped to the table where the c-section proceeded. I had to interupt the doctor as I was feeling EVERYTHING! He calmly told me I only felt the sensation to which I replied a bit loudly and vulgarly that I COULD FEEL EVERYTHING!!! The doctors quickly decided that the spinal must have missed its mark and they had to put me out with general anesthetic.

Much to my dismay I awoke to find I was the last person in my entire family to hold my beautiful daughter and when I did get to see her I was still so hopped up on drugs that I took that first glance, said how cute she was a passed back out again.

We have been through a lot that beautiful baby and I. We tried to stay with her dad and did our best for 3 years but through those 3 years came to the realization that we were safer on our own. We had a couple rocky years alone and survived and thrived and along came BigB.

I was just a kid when I had her but I am so thankful and so grateful that she came along. Today she is a smart, beautiful, talented, compassionate, thoughtful, giving, fun-loving, hilarious young lady and I couldn't be more proud of her. She is an angel to me and I will always, always cherish her!