Monday, September 01, 2008

I don't even know what to call this other than I really want to be home for my kids; I want to be a stay-at-home mom again...I miss it terribly. I know that feesibly it is not possible financially or mentally for me to be a stay-at-home mom 100% of the time but I am really looking forward to being done this temporary fulltime position I have so that I can be with my kids and taking care of my home.

My job is less than ideal; I completely understand and accept that but, that being said, it is not the reasoning behind this wishfulness...this longing. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to be a mom, wanted to stay home and take care of my house and family, plant a garden, can and freeze food, bake, be with my kids more. I DO NOT want to wake up one morning, find my house empty and wonder why I worked so much. Granted, full time isn't "so much" but I guess it is what you feel is important...being a stay-at-home mom is a job too so I would still be working full time.

I just got to spend some beautiful time with my two youngest children...we snuggled on the couch for a bit, Jellybean went to the kitchen table to do her math homework and needed my help so I was there, leaning over her shoulder, helping her solve some problems and watching her rejoice as things began to click and giving her the occassional high-five. We had a nice quiet supper, just the three of us and then I will be giving them a bath, getting them as ready for school as possible the night before and going through our bedtime routine.

I miss my kids; my heart breaks when I think of the time with them that I have lost, the time with them that I will never get back...at supper Jellybean tried to use her straw (in her straw bowl) to drink her 'orange soup' and burnt her throat; she ran into my arms and even though my heart broke for her and her pain, it felt so good to have her run to me and just trust in me so completely and to just feel her so close in my arms.

I know being a working mom doesn't make me less than a mom but it is not where my heart is...granted maybe it is not where any working mom's heart is but I feel empty and lost not being at home with my kids more and I am really looking forward to March '09 so I can be with my kids just a little more often and look after my home just a little bit better...

1 comment:

P.J. said...

Well, I must say that I understand! I know that I am quite blessed to have the job I do where I just work during school hours, but for me it's the "we are all in town all day so when can I be at the house making bread, cookies, and your favorite meal?" kind of thing. With Kaden starting Kindergarten, it's been much harder on me, too, when I think about all the time that I don't get to spend with them. Just seems they grow so fast. I think all we can do as working moms, is to not be so hard on ourselves and make every moment we do get with our children as absoluely special as we can.