Monday, February 20, 2006

Work to Live, Live to Work

The past 2 months have been chaos in this house to say the least, the very least. Last month Bill worked close to 30 hours over-time and this month he is all ready passed that. I am working every chance I can and, in fact, have taken on a new position at the hospital in Health Records. Once I am done my training it will be every Friday and every third Monday but for now it is Monday to Friday; this week it is for only four hours during the evening but the other three weeks it is 7-3, 8-4 kind of thing.

It feels like I am always working. Correction, it feels like WE are always working. I know that right now it is because we need the money and we do. We need to be able to get down to Billy and Natalie's wedding By the time all is said and done and I have a day or two off I am so exhausted that I don't want to do anything other than sleep and I am missing my friends...a lot. I get to see my kids and spend time with them at home but, we don't really do anything anymore and I want to change that. I have sat down and actually thought out things and days that we could turn into family traditions (last day of school, last day of summer vacation...)

I really think, in fact I know that I would love the Monday to Friday day job even if it were only 3 or 4 days a week so that I could be working and still have structured family time instead of not knowing when I will be working, if I will be working or if I should be sleeping because I am going to get called in for a 12 hour night shift. I am thinking that that is the cause for all my "stressed" feelings from the earlier post. I need structure; I need to know how many hours I am going to be working in two weeks so I can plan our budget. I need to know if I am going to be working on this day or that day so I can plan where my kids are going to go and not have to have a list of 5 people to see if one of them can babysit that day. I also want to know if I am going to be able to take them to piano lessons, dance classes and what not.

Hello, my name is Angela and I am a planaholic. I have been my entire life. I don't mean to be and I can't help it. I have no control; it controls me and I think I need help. If I can't plan it eats at me because I think I should be planning and I feel like I have no control. I have a certain need for control in my life and for those of you who know ALL about me you may remember that I had an eating disorder growing up and that is what that is about...control and seeking control in your life...

Seriously, I can't seem to get away from needing control of everything in my life...It certainly hinders me in one seriously important relationship; how do you give your life completely to God when you have these serious control issues...that is a thorn I just can't get out of my side.

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