Monday, March 10, 2008

What a kerfuffle...

I just finished reading one of my past blogs from 2005; Bug was nearing his 2nd birthday and I was wondering who I was outside of being a mom. Here we are in 2008, somewhat close to his 5th birthday and I am weighing and measuring myself in the mom dept and I have found myself lacking.

I don't have the opportunity to do any of the things I used to do for & with my kids. I can't remember the last time I baked them cookies or walked them to school. I may be working 2 jobs again and missing out on some things but it is time for me to make my spare time meaningful in the eyes of my children and in my eyes.

I don't work Monday nights; we have church Wednesday & Friday nights and I sometimes work Thursdays and then there is Sunday morning service. But who is to say that I cannot make better use of the time that I do have? Why can't I make them cookies on a Monday night or play a game of hide and seek or something? This path stops right here and now.

I have been getting really frustrated with my day job and am ready to not be working there full time. Not like I want to wish the y ear away but, July can't come soon enough for me. I want to be able to say yes or no to working some shifts so I can be a "mom" more.

I miss that job...Imiss being able to just be that. I miss being able to focus completely on the welfare of my children and of their daily needs and of the needs of my house. My heart breaks for what I feel I am missing out children.

When they think back on their lives, will I have been a good mom? In their future opinion of me is it worth me not being here as much as I feel I should be? What kind of example am I setting for them to follow?

Perhaps I am needing to re-evaluate somethings...


Dixie Vandersluys said...

Hey. Perhaps you do need to re-evaluate some things. But we all do. I've been thinking some of the same things as you and I'm home ALL the time! We do need to make the most of the moments that we have, but we can't knock ourselves down when we don't. We love our kids and they know they are loved and that is the most important thing. Take heart!!

Paula Joy said...

A lot of times, it's the little things that mean a lot. I felt like a failure of a mom tonight when Cailyn needed a bandaid and I couldn't find one. A simple bandaid and a kiss would have made things better. (She did get the kiss, but couldn't even eat her chocolate ice cream because her thumb hurt...)
I try not to harp on them the WHOLE time I am with them; especially now that Cailyn is in school all day. Make the time you do have together special. Kids are happy enough just to know you are there and that you love them.