But, it's my day off...

(Read the next few lines together really fast or simultaneously, if you can to feel the right mood to this story.)

Bug: Mo-om
Jellybean: I'm sorry....I'm sorry
Bug: Mo-om
Jellybean: I'm sorry; I'm sorry. I said I was sorry.
Bug: Mo-m
Jellybean: I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry (mo-om). Sorry. I said...
Bug: Mo-om, Jellybean kicked my de-esk.
Jellybean: I'm sor...no I didn't.
Bug: Well, it's part of it! Mo-om...
Jellybean: I. Am. Sorry!
Bug, at this point stuck his fingers in his ears; I kid you not and I was waiting with baited breath to hear "I'm not listening" singing from his voice.

I slowly got up and sent each one on their merry way to their rooms; it's supposed to be my day off and I don't want to hear stupid fighting at this time of morning. Legitimate fighting maybe. Stupid fighting, no. After all, it's my day off and I have all ready been up for 3 hours.

And...that's a no go, Captain

A no-go, that is, on the truck. Why? Because it is HER truck and SHE wants to keep it but that is her perogative and all it means is that there is something better for us out there...somewhere.

You just have to wonder about people's selfishness sometimes; especially those that claim to be Christians. I am not judging merely based on the fact that she won't sell a vehicle that doesn't ever get used; I have known this family for going on 10 years and I can honestly tell you this is based on years of fruit production - or lack there of...so I am not entirely sure why this surprises me.

I am trying to not feel let down or disappointed or frustrated as I do know that something will come our way. I am feeling this way because, I think because there is so much unknowing and even though it is in God's trustworthy hands and He is taking care of it, I hate having to be reliant on other people to get my family to school & work, get groceries to feed my family, get them to church...and I know that is pride and I am trying to rise above it and I know I will (I also know if my High School English teacher read this blog, she would kill me for that last sentence).

I think I am just dealing with the fresh sting of this knowledge and with trying to figure out how some people can be so selfish...

Feeling Mildly Frustrated

And perhaps that is not even the correct word to depict what I am feeling. What I do know is I am feeling something that is not on the side of pleasant and joyful, while still remaining pleasant and joyful. Confused? Good. Me too. Now I have company. So grab a cup of coffee, juice, water, pop...whatever suits your fancy and join my not-letting-a-pity-party-happen party.

We have been in the process of trying to find a vehicle to buy that will fit all of us comfortably, something reliable, that will not be pulled off the road if we get stopped in a safety inspection and that is dirt cheap (I am even leaning toward free but I can't be pushy).

BigB's boss had a super cab, Chevy Silverado, long box sitting in his yard doing nothing. Nada. Zip. BigB's co-worker looked at it and said it was a good truck. BigB approached The Boss Man and asked if he was willing to sell it, had to ask his wife, things seemed good, "take truck home to see if it will fit your family nicely", truck makes us all smile (it has a great sounding engine. Diesel! Score!), take truck back to The Boss Man this morning and NOW his wife doesn't know if she wants it sold because it, what, looked really pretty sitting in the yard? They have other vehicles; this isn't like he was ripping their only vehicle out from under them; he doesn't use this truck (they don't use this truck) and we would use it. We would love it and it would be our truck (think Dory off of Finding Nemo when she was talking about the jellyfish, Squishy.)

At this point of the day, we are back to not knowing if we have or don't have a vehicle and we have a daughter who needs to get out to the country this evening to begin a weekend of work again. We need groceries and I am trying to remain positive and hopeful and, most importantly, focused on God, who will provide us with a vehicle. I still have no doubt of that. I think I am merely disappointed that we are at a standstill and on this cliff of indecision and are waiting for the decisions of one who is seemingly being doubleminded about this whole thing.

Vehicular deja vu

Our family finds itself in a familiar situation; for the second time this year, we have found ourselves without a vehicle. Our city doesn't have a great bus system (especially for the times of day we would need buses) and so, we are extremely blessed to have friends who have consistently gone above and beyond to help us.

BigB has been getting a ride to work with a guy he works with and that has been a relief as they work outside of town and we have a friend who offered to give him a ride if he ever needed one (she wouldn't have any purpose to be going out that way other than to help). The kids & I have been getting a ride to work & school from another friend who has been getting up on days she didn't even have to work to get us to our destinations on time. We have been so blessed.

The answer to our first (of the year) car "problem" was a fabulous couple (who have been long time friends of ours) gave us their old van; it was a tired old van but it served us well while it was able before it drove its last stretch and gave up with a bang (and a few tears from me). At least we shared its last moments in the countryside enjoying the sights, sounds and (ugh, skunk) smells.

To some it would seem strange that we are not freaking out (other than my initial-at-the-time tears sitting in my dress in front of a smoking van). It is not a want for us to have a vehicle but a need. So why aren't we freaking out? God provided for us before and He will provide for us once more. He is not taken aback by the events that lead up to our vehiclelessness and He was most assuredly not surprised by it. It says in Matthew 6 that He will provide for all of our needs and we have complete faith in that.

There is a possiblity that we may be able to purchase a super cab truck (year unknown to me but it is older) for $3000. This will require us going into debt a bit - until September at the latest. We, if purchasing said truck, will be getting it from BigB's boss, putting a down payment on it and making subsequent payments. BigB has had a mechanical third party look at it and he says it will serve us well, faithfully and reliably.

I guess we will know by tonight if we are deciding to take it or not, and then we will begin to save (after completion of paying for the truck) to save money in order to buy a second vehicle for the purpose of me being able to get my "mom errands" done if BigB is gone (especially after I start to be an afternoon SAHM, whcih may be delayed depending on how my current boss responds to the proposal I have for her).

So, to all our friends who have assisted us in ANY way during our stretching periods I would like to stand up and give you ALL huge hugs and extend my deepest, most heartfelt thanks. Know that your deeds have not gone unnoticed and that we will not take whatever opportunity we can, when we can to bless others as you have blessed us! Y'ALL ROCK!!!

Just to complain a little

It is May 14 and THIS is happening AGAIN!!! Please God, send us Spring and Summer.

Not Me Monday

This week's edition of Not Me Monday mainly revolves around yesterday, Mother's Day but I wouldn't NOT do anything I shouldn't on Mother's Day. Nope. Not me!

Friday night didn't find me dropping Rush off at my friend's for the weekend to work at her group home after not having seen Rush ALL WEEK! I also didn't cry on the way home because I missed her so much. That would mean I love her! Sheesh!

I did not drive out to the farm to visit Rush twice on Saturday, once to bring a tray of fruit for us to share while we watched a movie. Nope, THAT would make me a sap and I am definitely NOT a sap!

I also did not cry as I was driving home Saturday night, not because I missed my daughter but because I was enjoying the nature sounds of the country and missing country living as I drove back to (ugh) the city.

I did not show up to church covered in mud and dog slobber because I was being loved on by one of the coolest Great Danes I have ever met. Bless Cleo's loving ginormous self and her doggy, ah, kisses.

I certainly did NOT spend Mother's Day morning sitting in front of my van crying as billows of smoke attacked the air with a vengence leaving me to wonder if I should be calling our local firemen to rescue me and that certainly does NOT mean that our radiator blew up and spewed radiator fluid all over my neighbor's sidewalk. None of this means that we are now vehicleless and our van is beyond repair...ever.

I also didn't try to figure out how we were to solve this dilemma ourselves without going to God in the first place because I would NEVER try to solve anything. Not me! I also did NOT get frustrated with my husband who was not worried in the slightest (no really he honestly wasn't; there is no "not me" in that) and I most certainly did NOT want for him to freak out with me just for a minute.

My family didn't try to take me out to eat for Mother's Day and I did not have such a bad headache (and nausea from the headache) that I didn't ask for all of our food to be packed up as soon as it got to our table so we could go home and I could put a cold cloth on my head and sleep. I would NEVER "ruin" a Mother's Day that way. No way; NOT ME!

Why don't you head on over to MckMama's and see what she and some of the other ladies have NOT done this past week.

I set my eyes on You.

We've been having a rough, tiring go of things the last little while - not with everything just a couple things in our lives but they have been significant. Rush has been going through an intense bout of what I lovingly have dubbed Teenageritis and, with BigB's new job, there has come lots of heavy learning and what seems likely to turn into lots of travelling and with that has come new routines, stresses and demands and lots to get used to.

Both of these things have lead to some not-so-wonderful moments (not incredibly bad either) but they are adjustments that are needing to be made...some are adjustments in schedules, some in mindsets and some in attitudes. There is a bit of mending to be done and it has all ready started. Thank God for great friends and pastors and for a great God Himself.

At this time I don't feel I am at a place to share details but for now I felt the desire to be transparent. I know that what we are going through is not catching God off guard and He knows just how to handle it and we are looking to Him for guidance. We also know that we have a GREAT, BIG GOD and this is but an itty, bitty blip in the grand scheme of things. We are not worried and we are not stressing. We are not focusing our attention on these distractions (as that is exactly what they are intended to be) but we are, instead, focusing ourselves on God, seeking and pursuing Him (everything else will fall into place). Like the words of a song that Meagan S from Family Church wrote goes "I take my eyes off the storm and set my eyes on You." and that is what we are doing. We can't change the storm just by talking about it and we certainly aren't telling God anything new if we were to dwell on it in our pray life but...if you happen to think of us please pray for strength, wisdom, peace and the abiltiy to daily cast our cares upon Jesus because there are times when, in the natural, things seem a bit overwhelming to us.

P.S. But please, don't worry about our situation; we know it will work out for the glory of God and we are not worried about it. Simply pray that we remain focused on Him and to not get wrapped up in a bubble of woe... :D

And I'm back...

Well, almost. I am getting there step by step. I used to be so organized and prepared. I would have meals ready and in the freezer; I even had things made & frozen for the bigger kids for breakfast. There were meal plans attached to my fridge and cleaning schedules beside them. I am coming back.

Yesterday I completed one meal plan. I think I will do 2 per "cooking season" for our house. You see, it gets so HOT in our house in the warm weather that putting bread in the toaster makes it somewhat unbearable; turning on the oven makes it intolerable!

I went and got some groceries yesterday after supper and as I was putting them away began making some breakfast burritos for Rush. I got 6 made last night; I didn't get home from the store until 9:30 and I plan to make some more up tonight - those and some sandwiches to freeze (after I take Rush to get some new clothes).

The girls' room is pretty much done; I am just needing to find the right baskets, etc for their shelves and I need to put up Jellybean's bulletin board. I think tonight I will pick up the shelf for our front entrance too and get that area looking spiffy. I have shoes that I will be going through that I don't wear anymore - dress shoes. If anyone around here is a size 8-9 (depending on the shoe) and would like them, let me know. If I still have them they are yours.

Slowly but surely I am getting back into my groove. This last 2 years of working full-time and working 2 jobs at a time for part of it really left me in a state of chaos but it is starting to come together once again. Thank God for that and thank God that He has equipped me.

I want to procrastinate but I keep putting it off

I have stuff...well we all have stuff but I have stuff that the kids have out grown that I keep trying to get together because it is boys' and girls' and I will have to separate it because the ladies I know who could use it either don't have girls or don't have boys...it's easier when it can all get put into one box or one bag...rats. I also have stuff that should have gotten put into the shed but for one reason or another (I still haven't figured out how) they have all wound up in our front entrance making it unusable and unsafe! I hate it! I feel trapped-like what if we have a house fire and we need the front door to escape?

Then my current reality hits. I am tired and if I am not tired, I am not home or I have other more pressing things to do at home...because when the firefighters put out our blazing house that we can't escape from we are going to need to have clean clothes on. When I'm not tired I have been using the reason...excuse...reason...ah man! I'm not doing it because I am wanting to spend time with my family and then I decide that I need a bit of me time so I come down here and play on the computer.

I know in my heart of hearts that I would feel so much better to come home to a beautifully organized house...maybe tomorrow.....

Fianlly!!!! 8P

I just finished checking my emails and sorting through all the junk mail...my spam "screener" was full so I ended up with a lot of garbage in my account today...I came across a happy email, a surprising email, a jump for joy email.

You see Rush & I have gone years without getting so much as a cent from her biological father. We got Maintenance involved to help us but even they can't get blood from a stone and he managed to keep himself safe working under the table, putting all his assets in his mom's name (or maybe he just really has nothing), etc.

Back in May I got a letter from Maintenance saying that they had discovered he had a job and they were garnishing his wages effective immediately at $300/month until he got caught up. I was pretty excited. The checks never came, never came and still never came. I shot an email off to my worker who replied back with the explanation that his employer had just submitted the forms and that they were still in the process of figuring out if it would be one check or two per month...the check still never came, still never came...

I was beginning to think that he had taken another easy road out and had quit his job to avoid being garnished. In a last attempt to ease my mind about the situation, I sent an email to my worker last night and got an email back from her stating that a check had been sent (including back pay from May) and I should be getting a check from them within the next few days...

...for $900!!! I should also be able to expect regular monthly checks since he is being garnished!!! "If God is for me, who can be against me?" I just had to bide my time and let God take care of it.

Let the happy dance begin.

What a kerfuffle...

I just finished reading one of my past blogs from 2005; Bug was nearing his 2nd birthday and I was wondering who I was outside of being a mom. Here we are in 2008, somewhat close to his 5th birthday and I am weighing and measuring myself in the mom dept and I have found myself lacking.

I don't have the opportunity to do any of the things I used to do for & with my kids. I can't remember the last time I baked them cookies or walked them to school. I may be working 2 jobs again and missing out on some things but it is time for me to make my spare time meaningful in the eyes of my children and in my eyes.

I don't work Monday nights; we have church Wednesday & Friday nights and I sometimes work Thursdays and then there is Sunday morning service. But who is to say that I cannot make better use of the time that I do have? Why can't I make them cookies on a Monday night or play a game of hide and seek or something? This path stops right here and now.

I have been getting really frustrated with my day job and am ready to not be working there full time. Not like I want to wish the y ear away but, July can't come soon enough for me. I want to be able to say yes or no to working some shifts so I can be a "mom" more.

I miss that job...Imiss being able to just be that. I miss being able to focus completely on the welfare of my children and of their daily needs and of the needs of my house. My heart breaks for what I feel I am missing out on...my children.

When they think back on their lives, will I have been a good mom? In their future opinion of me is it worth me not being here as much as I feel I should be? What kind of example am I setting for them to follow?

Perhaps I am needing to re-evaluate somethings...

Ah..."The grapevine"...

What would we do without that precious grapevine? How would we survive without our daily dose of "harmless" gossip? I can tell you that I am completely sick of it! It utterly disgusts me!!! I listen to people talking about this person or that person and how she is doing this or that and it is revolting. I took a bit of a stand on it today and I don't regret it at all.

I also got a personal reminder of what it is like to be the one being gossiped about. Rush came home from school today telling us that she had been called to Student Services. The lady there then proceeded to tell Rush that she had "heard it through the grapevine that you been hit by your boyfriend."

Let's disect this for a minute:

1. Rush doesn't have a boyfriend therefore he could not have hit her.

2. Where are the witnesses to this so called beating? I can tell you where they are; one of them is downstairs doing her homework and the other is in her house with her family feeling quite badly about what she accidentally did to Rush. I can also tell you that neither of them saw my daughter being beaten by her non-existant boyfriend.

3. It says in The Bible, "On the testimony of two or three witnesses a man shall be put to death" (Deut 17:6) but these teachers and staff have tried and convicted some poor boy that doesn't even exist because of the "word on the grapevine".

4. If my daughter can look you in the eye and tell you with an unwaivering voice that that is not what happened and proceeds to tell you what did happen, do not call her a liar.

I understand and appreciate the motives behind their concern. I also think that it is great to know that something would be done if my daughter were to have a boyfriend right now and that boyfriend should happen to be silly enough to lay his hands on her, that the teachers will promptly act. I find no fault in them arranging a meeting with her to talk with her about it; I do find fault with whomever did the talking without doing any listening.

Why are people constantly on a witch hunt? Why must there always be a scandal? Perhaps we live in a society with too much CSI, Law & Order (both of these shows I like to watch occasionally too) or too much Desperate Housewives or Grey's Anatomy or something. Why, oh, why do we have to always have someone to hang even if there is no reason to hang them? If my son can darn near poke his eye out doing up his binder my daughter can become severely bruised by a suddenly opened locker.

People seem to constantly have to be talking about someone else or putting their nose in someone else's business or something. It seems it is more probable for them to believe the scandal. Sometimes the truth is just the truth.

It continues...

in Bug's room. I have been purging all afternoon and I have so far gotten rid of a huge bag of garbage including but not limited to broken toys and puzzles with 50% of the pieces missing. I have returned half of Jellybean's toys to her room and I also have a laundry basket full of toys to donate somewhere but I don't know where. So, if you know of any place or body who could use some toddler/preschool toys let me know.

The weather man, he lied!

What happened today? I thought we were supposed to have nice weather; I thought it was supposed to be the August day we never had. I thought they said that the weather would be perfect for me to take my family to the lake for one last day and have a weiner roast.

The weather man lied!

Aside from that, I woke up this morning, threw some clothes on and headed to JanRichards to utilize a gift certificate I had gotten from BigB. By the time I left there I was so relaxed that if I would have had the money to add a facial and then go some where for a massage I would have been in a coma. I ended up being able to get a manicure and pedicure with my gift certificate; I have never had either and it was just what the doctor ordered and I think there will be repeats. Unfortunately there won't be repeats from JanRichards as this is their last week open before everyone ventures out on their own.

I got home did a bit of work, also known as purging; I got rid of bags of clothes and teddy bears from this house. BigB was doing chores around the outside of the house and came in to tell me that 2 of our bikes had been stolen from our yard last night. I feel sick and it makes me so mad!!!

I have been on a roller coaster today. I don't like it at all.

What a ride...or stop the bus; I want to get off.

Sometimes family gatherings are really rough: snide comments, dirty looks, backstabs and jabs and upper-cuts. I would like to say, on record, that it is even harder when ex-families are involved and even harder still when it isn't even your ex-family. Sometimes the hurt just doesn't seem worth it. Worth what exactly? Well, it just doesn't seem worth any of it at times especially when your own "children" seem to get in on said action...

Somebody stop the bus, I think I want to get off....

I am such a slacker!

It's been a while since I have been here. We took Rush to my mom's and she is there until Friday. I didn't go to work today and I have some things that I could be doing but I am having such a hard time getting the ambition to do them. That being said, they are things that NEED to be done before Friday and I do work tomorrow!

This sinus cold has taken every ounce of ambition, motivation and gumption I had and tossed it away down a deep, deep well and I can't even see the bottom of this well to try and fish them out of there...

This cold has also aided me in the killing of numerous trees that have selflessly and involuntarily sacrificed themselves to become my tissues...if this lasts any longer the world will be a barren place, void of all things tree-like.

Do I laugh or cry at this trainwreck?

I am an absolute wreck; I mean trade me in on a horse and shoot the horse...I am a mess. Tonight I was working at BPs. As I was taking an armfull of dishes to the dishpit I stepped on a lemon wedge that had fallen on the floor. My right foot went out from my center of gravity and down I went in a blaze of, well, the opposite of glory.

Right now, I have a slightly twisted left ankle, a really twisted right ankle, a sore left knee, my left arm hurts from preventing all the dishes from crashing and I twisted my back funny when I tried to catch my footing.

I told you I was a trainwreck. I wrapped my right ankle and am pushing through the slight pains everywhere else but what would I have done had I not landed on my knee and sort of "caught" myself? Would I feel better or would I be tonnes worse...?

It may be quiet from me...finals are coming next week as is Rush's grade 8 graduation!

Do you like apples?

Today BigB picked me up from school; we went and got a Booster Juice and were on our way to Extreme Pita to pick up, well, a pita in order to have a nice picnic for lunch. A girl I know from work and school was running around with a piece of paper in her hand and she asked us if our van was ours. She then proceeded to tell us how she and another girl witnessed a lady in a truck back into our van and saw our van lift up off the ground a bit; this lady then proceeded to drive away without stopping to acknowledge what she had done or to even see if she had damaged our van.


How do you like them apples?

There is more to this story though; those two witnesses gave us the plate number and the make and model of this truck and their names and phone numbers and we took that information to the police dept.

How do you think she's going to like them apples now?


Hopefully, she is the registered driver or that person will give up the name of the driver and they will pay for the corrections required on our van.

Yuck!!!

The snow that is collecting outside and my perennials that look more like flower popsicles have really soured my mood. At least I wasn't one of those people who had big camping plans for this May long weekend to be foiled. My big plans are to be working...tonight until 1 a.m., tomorrow 5 until 11 p.m. and Moday at the hospital a 12 hour day.

Not exactly a lot of fun but the pay cheque will be nice...haven't had one of those from the hospital in 4 weeks.

Hi, my name is Ang and I have "Parking Lot Rage"

That's right, forget about road rage; I seem to have developed parking lot rage. While at Superstore this afternoon...wait, I should go a step before that. While in the parking lot of our eye doctor's office I sat with the kids in the van waiting for an extremely old gentleman and his wife to drive away (parked right beside us), as I waited I put the van into reverse and anticipated being able to back away any minute. Yeah, right! He sat behind our van for about 4 minutes staring at me ( note that I hadn't even taken my foot off the brake to even change foot position yet) and then began to beat his horn at me like I was going to run into him somehow, in some amazing way, since I hadn't even begun to move the van yet. I got a little peeved at him and I think I may have called him a deteriating old geezer in my ranting as I drove away. I don't do that! That is not normal!

Now, on to the episode in Superstore's parking lot. We had parked in a row off by ourselves so we could walk a bit to the store (every little bit of exercise adds up you know). We got our groceries and were heading to the van. Now I wasn't in a great mood to begin with what with the old guy plus we were trying to avoid the aging drunk in the parking lot who was asking everyone for money, food, and a car ride when I noticed that some (must be nice! must be nice!) person had parked so close to the driver's side of the van that Rush had a hard time getting through.

Needless to say, I was irate when I had to suck in my belly fat and "badunkdunk" (butt) to a size negative 6 in order to get into my van!!!!! I had impulses that I don't think I have ever had before and I felt like I would have loved to have smashed every window out of that car with my bare hands.

It was an incredibly nerve wracking experience, feeling that much out of control, if only for a moment in my head. Lets hope that never happens to me again and while we're at it let's hope no one ever parks that close to me again to test the first hope.